Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Computer-generated female voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is this correct?
Me: Yes.
Voice: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you.
Me: YES!
Voice: Did you say 'Yes'?
Me: YES!
Voice: Please type in the 14-digit number on the back of your box that begins with '618'.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is that correct?
Me: YES!
Voice: Thank you. Could you please say your address?
Me: 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Voice: I heard '417 Eiler.' Is that correct?
Me: NO!
Voice: Could you say your address?
Me: 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Voice: I heard '3978 Grand Avenue.' Is this correct?
Me: NO!
Voice: Please hold while I transfer your call.
(Muzak version of "Feelings.")
Me: Yech.
Another computer-generated female voice: Please type in your cellular phone number.
Me: I don't have a cellular phone number. That's why I'm calling. Why am I telling you this? You're a computer. You don't understand a word I'm saying. I thought advanced technology was supposed to make our lives easier! Damned cosmodemonic transnational megacorporations! They're almost as bad as the government! Hell, they're PART of the government!
Voice: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. Could you please say your cellular phone number?
Me: (silence)
Voice: Thank you for calling Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. Goodbye.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is this correct?
Me: YES!
Voice: Please hold while I transfer your call.
(Muzak version of Bobby Goldsboro's "Watching Scotty Grow.")
Me: Blech.
Disembodied Indian Accent: Hello, my name is Angelique, and I am a blond, 16-year-old cheerleader dressed in a see-through nightie! Would you like to masturbate while I fulfull your sexual fantasies? It's only five dollars a minute.
Me: Too much. No, wait, I mean I'm calling about my cellular phone!
Accent: Hee hee! I am sporting such a blushing! I believe this is what you Americans call wires that are crossed! I most apologize! Let us try this again! My name is Hadji, I mean Greg! What is your cellular phone number, please?
Me: I don't have one. I was trying to activate my phone, but the system messed up my address and them connected me to a system that disconnected me. When I called back again and tried to activate my phone, it transferred me to you.
Accent: I see. I'll have to connect you to Customer Service.
(Muzak version of Goldsboro's "Honey.")
Me: Two Bobby Goldsboro songs in a row.
American Accent: Could you please tell me your cellular phone number?
Me: I don't have one. The system messed up and connected me to you.
American accent: I'll have to transfer you to Pre-pay.
(Muzak version of "Love Will Keep Us Together.")
Me: Well, I at least kinda like this one.
Another Disembodied American Accent: Could I please have your cellular phone number?
Me: I don't have one. The system messed up my address and connected me to you.
American Accent: I see. I'll have to connect you to Customer Service.
Me: I was just there. They transferred me to you.
American Accent: I understand. I don't have access to the information you want, so you'll have to call back during business hours.
Me: Sure.
American Accent: Thank you. Goodbye.
NEXT DAY
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Computer-generated female voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM.
Me: Ah, shit! (Beep beep beep boop)
Female voice: Your new number will come through on your phone's screen in several seconds!
Me: Cool!
Phone: (Tinny version of Dan Hill's "Sometime When We Touch")
Me: Sonofabitch! That's the ringtone?! ARGH! (Sound of smashing, very similar to Bluto smashing the guy's guitar in Animal House.)
Smoking phone: Sometimes when we touch...the honesty's too much...
Me: ARRRGGHHH!!!
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