A Rush to War

The place: Rush Limbaugh's front porch.

Rush: (watching TV) Okay, now throw the ball here. Now throw it there.

Soldier: What're you doing, Mr. Limbaugh?

Rush: Directing the war from my armchair! Oops! Another brave patriot just made the ultimate sacrifice to protect Israel! And to bring Jesus back! And to make sure my SUV has plenty of gas! Say, how do you like my $20 million mansion? Pretty good for a loudmouth and college dropout, huh?

Soldier: You've been drafted, Mr. Limbaugh.

Rush: Ha, ha! Very funny! Hand me my putter, will you? I need a break from running the war from this side of the world.

Soldier: I'm serious, Mr. Limbaugh. You've been drafted. You'll leave for the front lines in Iraq in a few weeks.

Rush: This is a riot! Hey, Marta, come listen to this! Oops, I forgot, I divorced her, too, just like the first two!

Soldier: Listen carefully, Mr. Limbaugh. I'm totally serious. You've been drafted. Now please come with me.

Rush: You really are serious, aren't you?

Soldier: Yes, I am. You've been drafted. Now please come with me.

Rush: Hey, now wait just a minute! Forget that I'm now a cheerleader for the military! I avoided the draft like the plague because I was afraid I'd have to go to Vietnam! So I have no intention of fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan! (Grabs his knee) Ow! Ow! I have a hurt knee from high school football! I can't go!

Soldier: Your high school football coach said you never hurt your knee.

Rush: Liars! A vast left-wing conspiracy to discredit me! Next thing they'll say I was a dope addict who doctor-hopped to get prescriptions! And those painkillers did not damage my hearing! Or my brain!

Soldier: There's a van waiting at the curb for you, Mr. Limbaugh.

Rush: Ow! Ow! I have a pilondal cyst on my butt! Sorry! I can't go with you!

Soldier: A simple operation will fix that problem. The government will even pay for it.

Rush: I think I might be gay! I'm going on my fourth marriage and I don't have any kids! My mentor was a sodomite who died of AIDS!

Soldier: Doesn't matter. We're so short of cannon fodder we'll take anyone -- the obese, the brain-damaged, the cowardly, the maybe-gay, the drug-addicted. In short, Mr. Limbaugh -- you.

Rush: Hillary put you up to this, didn't she? I tell you, I'm not going! My place is to tell others how to run the war, not fight it myself!

Soldier: Goodness, Mr. Limbaugh, you sure seem have lost your gonads when you have to put your money where your mouth is.

Rush: I don't have any gonads, just mouth! Why do you think I read FreeRepublic?

Soldier: Are you going to come peaceably, or do I have to drag you?

Rush: I'm not going! Go draft some minorities, like that throw-a-way po' white trash Lynndie England! I'm rich and politically connected! I don't have to fight! Just ask any member of Congress! Do you see any of their kids in Iraq ? I'll -- I'll get a deferment, just like the five Dick Cheney got to avoid Vietnam ! I'll join the National Guard like that inbred dry-drunk George Bush! He owes me a favor for defending him on my radio program and pretending he's never made a mistake!

Soldier: Okay, Mr. Limbaugh, we'll do it the hard way.

Rush: Help! Help! Mommy! Daddy! Somebody! Anybody! Let go of my ankles!

Soldier: I'm really disappointed in you, Mr. Limbaugh. I mean, leaving tracks in the grass with the tips of your fingers! You act so brave on your radio program. Didn't you say the world was run "by the aggressive use of force"? Why don't you want to defend your country?

Rush: BECAUSE I'M A COWARD, YOU MORON! Isn't it obvious? All those guys -- Bush, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Perle, Hannity, Frum -- all of us are cowards! Can't you see that? It's as obvious as can be! And we're better and smarter than everyone else! Others are supposed to die, not us! We're indispensable to running this country!

Soldier: The graveyards are full of men who thought they were indispensable. Who knows, Mr. Limbaugh, you might even join them soon after you're in Iraq . Don't you want to give your life for your country, and to bring freedom to oppressed people?

Rush: What, are you crazy? I don't give a damn about those wogs if it means putting my life on the line! Don't! Hey, wait -- don't put me in that van! WAH! I want to go home!

William Kristol: Hey, look, everyone, it's Rush Limbaugh!

Rush: They got you, too, huh?

Kristol: They got all of us -- Douglas Feith, Max Boot, Jonah Goldberg, Sean Hannity, John Bolton, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, David Frum, John Podhoretz. And boy, can those guys cry like girls! I guess it's true -- as you sow, so you will reap!

Rush: Make some room in there, will you?

Hannity: Look how fat he is! We can use him as a shield in Iraq! I mean, it's not like we're going to get top-of-the-line body armor!

Rush: This isn't fair!! This isn't the way it was supposed to be! One law for the unwashed masses, another for us Chickenhawks! You know, like in Animal House -- all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others!

Soldier: I think you mean Animal Farm, Mr. Limbaugh.

Rush: Animal Farm, Animal House, who cares! All I know is I've got four legs like a pig! No, wait! I mean two legs like a human!

Solder: Your education is impressive, Mr. Limbaugh. Here's some more education for you: if you survive, you and the rest of these guys just might grow up.

Rush, Kristol, Hannity, et al: We don't want to grow up! It's much too fun playing war as long as we don't have to fight! WAAAAH!!