Invasion of the Do-gooders

The Scene: a Restaurant and the Street Outside.

Customer: I'll have a 16-ounce sirloin steak, medium-well, cauliflower with a cheese sauce, a baked potato with sour cream, and a half a bottle of Kabinett.

Waiter (apologetically): Sorry, sir, but this morning the government has deemed those substances harmful, so we can no longer serve them. They're illegal.

Customer: Oh, good Lord! You've got to be kidding! This is a joke, right?

Waiter: Sorry, but it's the law.

Customer: What do you have, then? (Looks down at menu.) Yikes! This is horrible! Raw carrots? Decaffeinated herbal tea? Zucchini?!? BLECH!

Waiter: The government is here to protect us, sir.

Customer: It's not here to help me; it's here to harm me! (Gets up and stomps out.)

Cop (passing by man outside): Wait a minute! My Sooper-Dooper Advanced Nanny-State Snooper is indicating you have tobacco on you!

Customer: What?!?!

Cop: In your inside coat pocket you have a Romeo y Juliet cigar! Hand it over!

Customer: Since when is it any of your business if I have a cigar, you dumb flatfoot? And what's with the fangs?

Cop: New implanted fangs! Intimidation and control! And don't call me dumb, or I'll Tazer you! My name is Officer Dim!

Customer: I'll bet it is! Since when is tobacco illegal?

Cop: Since this morning!

Customer: You cannot pass a law and expect people to know about it an hour later. This is none of your business, anyway, and none of this is right!

Cop: The law has nothing to do with right or wrong! The cops are here to take your money--er, I mean enforce the law, no matter no stupid it is! How hand the cigar over, or I'll shoot you and claim I thought your cell-phone was a pistol!

Customer: I don't have a cell-phone.

Cop: You'll have one after I shoot you and put it in your hand!

Customer (handing over cigar): Peace officer, hah! What in the world is this country coming to? I thought America was supposed to be about freedom! Now the government is telling us, we'll take your liberty, torture you, and that'll make you'll be safe and happy!

Bureaucrat (passing by man): Let me see your prescriptions!

Customer: What prescriptions?!?

Bureaucrat: The government has determined that everyone is mentally ill and needs to take anti-depressants and ant-anxiety prescription drugs! Now let me see your prescriptions!

Customer: Let me guess. Passed this morning, right?

Bureaucrat: That's right! Now hand over your prescriptions!

Customer: Since the law was just passed this morning, I didn't know anything about it, so I don't have any prescriptions! And I don't need them, or want them!

Bureaucrat: The government will be the judge of what's best for you! We own you, you know! Now open up! (produces funnel).

Customer: This is outrageous! This is insane! This place has become a madhouse!

Bureaucrat: In she goes!

Customer: Erk! Ack! GACK!

Bureaucrat: See? Yay for the government! Now we've made you happy!

Customer: Ptooey!