Gladiators, Sort of

The Year: 2003.

The Location: the Coliseum, Rome, Italy.

The Characters: George Bush, Saddam Hussein, a watching crowd of Americans and Iraqis, and a dozen TV cameras broadcasting the event to the whole world.

Bush and Hussein, each armed with a sword, are standing in the middle of the Coliseum. Each is dressed exactly like Russell Crowe in the movie, Gladiator.

Bush (waving sword menacingly at Saddam): "Give up your weapons of mass, uh, 'scuse me, I mean Weapons of Mass Destruction, Saddam!"

Saddam (waving his sword back): "Never, you squished-headed, cock-eyed, inbred, stumble-tongued fake Texan!"

Bush: "What?! Fake Texan! ARRGGH!"

Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd roars and cheers.)

Saddam: "Your daddy is stupid and so are you!"

Bush: "Your mother looks like Walter Matthau!"

Saddam: "Yes, I know! I do, too!"

Bush: "That includes her mustache!"

Saddam: "Yes, I know!"

Bush: "When we conquer Iraq we're going to deport all the goats and sheep! No more sex for you, Saddam!"

Saddam: "What?! Why, you, you – ARRRGGH!"

Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (More cheering and roaring from the crowd.)

Bush: "When we conquer Iraq and depoos – dipos – get rid of you we're going to impose democracy on a grateful people!"

Saddam: "Are you just stupid, or maybe just a bad liar? The Kurds are never going to get their freedom, and you know it! You're going to put in a puppet dictator just like the one you're getting rid of! Moron! You're nothing but Howdy Doody to the neocons' Edgar Bergen!"

Bush: "That's Alfred E. Newman to the neocons' William Gaines, you retardo! Charlie McCarthy was Edgar Bergen's dummy, not Howdy Doody!"

Saddam: "What are you going to do next, quote Austin Powers at me? Make sure you don't choke on a pretzel!"

Bush (turning red): "Why, I'll, I'll – ARRGGH!"

Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (More cheering and roaring from the crowd. Bets are placed and much beer is consumed.)

Bush: "We are doing God's work in bringing freedom to the oppressed!"

Saddam: "BWAHAHA! Idiot! Neither of us is doing God's work! You think God approves of murder and theft? You're doing the work of a bunch of dumb-bunny Christian Zionists who think they can kickstart Armageddon and get Jesus to return! Your daddy was so stupid he thought starting a war would guarantee him reelection! Didn't work, did it? It could happen to you, too!"

Bush (sputtering): "Why, why, you, you – "

Saddam: "Don't develop more indignation that you can contain, buster! You'll say 'strategery' or 'warren terrism' or maybe something even more silly! And remember this – all empires fall! And that's exactly what America has become!"

Bush: "ARRGH!"

Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd roars deliriously.)

Bush: "You tried to kill my dad!"

Saddam: "Kuwaiti propaganda! And you fell for it! Your dad means nothing to me!"

Bush: "You're in cahoots with Al-Qaida!"

Saddam: "Oh, sure I am! An atheist who believes only in himself, dictator of a secular government, and you think I'm going to support a bunch of religious fanatics who despise me and want to overthrow me so they can set up an oppressive theocracy!"

Bush: (sputtering again): "You tried to kill my dad!"

Saddam: "'You tried to kill my dad! You tried to kill my dad!' Your dad couldn't find his butt with both hands! He screwed up so badly he let that psycho white trash rapist Clinton in office!"

Bush (eyes bulging, temple veins throbbing): "ARRGGH!"

Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd hoots and stamps its collective feet.)

Bush: (gasping): "I'm getting tired! I mean, you're getting tired! Surrender, Saddam, and I'll let you live in exile!"

Saddam: "Are you nuts? I'm as loony as Hitler! Did he surrender? Of course not! He went out telling his generals to destroy everything in Germany! You think I won't waste all the oil wells in Iraq? I hope your troops can move fast!"

Bush: "They'll move so fast your troops will be on their knees kissing American soldiers' hands and begging for their lives! Your country was the cradle of civilization? Look at it now! A Third World joke! What happened, Saddam? Conquered by the wrong religion, maybe? "

Saddam (lips quivering in rage): "ARRGGH!"

Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd howls.)

Bush (out of gas and looking around wildly): "Cheney! Rumsfeld! Bennett! Limbaugh! Boot! Kristol! Hey, where are you guys? I need some help out here! You aren't a bunch of chickenhawk armchair warriors, are you?"

Saddam: "Buk! Buk! Buk! Buk!"

Bush: (sticking sword into ground): "I declare victory!"

Saddam (sticking his sword into the ground): "I declare victory!"

Both leave the Coliseum to the wild cheers of the crowd. Saddam returns to Iraq, where much to his surprise he finds he has been overthrown and replaced with the traditional monarchy. He quickly finds there are not 72 virgins awaiting him in Paradise. Or raisins, either.

Bush returns to America, where he finds to his surprise that the original Republic has been restored and 90% of the federal government closed down. He is allowed to remain President, but finds he doesn't have much to do except tend to the roses outside the White House.

And everyone lived happily ever after.