The Year: 2003.
The Location: the Coliseum, Rome, Italy.
The Characters: George Bush, Saddam Hussein, a watching crowd of Americans and Iraqis, and a dozen TV cameras broadcasting the event to the whole world.
Bush and Hussein, each armed with a sword, are standing in the middle of the Coliseum. Each is dressed exactly like Russell Crowe in the movie, Gladiator.
Bush (waving sword menacingly at Saddam): "Give up your weapons of mass, uh, 'scuse me, I mean Weapons of Mass Destruction, Saddam!"
Saddam (waving his sword back): "Never, you squished-headed, cock-eyed, inbred, stumble-tongued fake Texan!"
Bush: "What?! Fake Texan! ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd roars and cheers.)
Saddam: "Your daddy is stupid and so are you!"
Bush: "Your mother looks like Walter Matthau!"
Saddam: "Yes, I know! I do, too!"
Bush: "That includes her mustache!"
Saddam: "Yes, I know!"
Bush: "When we conquer Iraq we're going to deport all the goats and sheep! No more sex for you, Saddam!"
Saddam: "What?! Why, you, you – ARRRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (More cheering and roaring from the crowd.)
Bush: "When we conquer Iraq and depoos – dipos – get rid of you we're going to impose democracy on a grateful people!"
Saddam: "Are you just stupid, or maybe just a bad liar? The Kurds are never going to get their freedom, and you know it! You're going to put in a puppet dictator just like the one you're getting rid of! Moron! You're nothing but Howdy Doody to the neocons' Edgar Bergen!"
Bush: "That's Alfred E. Newman to the neocons' William Gaines, you retardo! Charlie McCarthy was Edgar Bergen's dummy, not Howdy Doody!"
Saddam: "What are you going to do next, quote Austin Powers at me? Make sure you don't choke on a pretzel!"
Bush (turning red): "Why, I'll, I'll – ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (More cheering and roaring from the crowd. Bets are placed and much beer is consumed.)
Bush: "We are doing God's work in bringing freedom to the oppressed!"
Saddam: "BWAHAHA! Idiot! Neither of us is doing God's work! You think God approves of murder and theft? You're doing the work of a bunch of dumb-bunny Christian Zionists who think they can kickstart Armageddon and get Jesus to return! Your daddy was so stupid he thought starting a war would guarantee him reelection! Didn't work, did it? It could happen to you, too!"
Bush (sputtering): "Why, why, you, you – "
Saddam: "Don't develop more indignation that you can contain, buster! You'll say 'strategery' or 'warren terrism' or maybe something even more silly! And remember this – all empires fall! And that's exactly what America has become!"
Bush: "ARRGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd roars deliriously.)
Bush: "You tried to kill my dad!"
Saddam: "Kuwaiti propaganda! And you fell for it! Your dad means nothing to me!"
Bush: "You're in cahoots with Al-Qaida!"
Saddam: "Oh, sure I am! An atheist who believes only in himself, dictator of a secular government, and you think I'm going to support a bunch of religious fanatics who despise me and want to overthrow me so they can set up an oppressive theocracy!"
Bush: (sputtering again): "You tried to kill my dad!"
Saddam: "'You tried to kill my dad! You tried to kill my dad!' Your dad couldn't find his butt with both hands! He screwed up so badly he let that psycho white trash rapist Clinton in office!"
Bush (eyes bulging, temple veins throbbing): "ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd hoots and stamps its collective feet.)
Bush: (gasping): "I'm getting tired! I mean, you're getting tired! Surrender, Saddam, and I'll let you live in exile!"
Saddam: "Are you nuts? I'm as loony as Hitler! Did he surrender? Of course not! He went out telling his generals to destroy everything in Germany! You think I won't waste all the oil wells in Iraq? I hope your troops can move fast!"
Bush: "They'll move so fast your troops will be on their knees kissing American soldiers' hands and begging for their lives! Your country was the cradle of civilization? Look at it now! A Third World joke! What happened, Saddam? Conquered by the wrong religion, maybe? "
Saddam (lips quivering in rage): "ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd howls.)
Bush (out of gas and looking around wildly): "Cheney! Rumsfeld! Bennett! Limbaugh! Boot! Kristol! Hey, where are you guys? I need some help out here! You aren't a bunch of chickenhawk armchair warriors, are you?"
Saddam: "Buk! Buk! Buk! Buk!"
Bush: (sticking sword into ground): "I declare victory!"
Saddam (sticking his sword into the ground): "I declare victory!"
Both leave the Coliseum to the wild cheers of the crowd. Saddam returns to Iraq, where much to his surprise he finds he has been overthrown and replaced with the traditional monarchy. He quickly finds there are not 72 virgins awaiting him in Paradise. Or raisins, either.
Bush returns to America, where he finds to his surprise that the original Republic has been restored and 90% of the federal government closed down. He is allowed to remain President, but finds he doesn't have much to do except tend to the roses outside the White House.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Airport Screener Arrested for Being Former Nazi Guard
WASHINGTON, DC – An airport screener was arrested today for being a former Nazi leader during World War II.
Adolph Schickelgruber, age unknown, was arrested at his Washington, DC, apartment without incident by detectives from the Secure Transportation and Safety Initiative (STASI).
"He didn’t give us any problems," said Captain Ernst Rohm, head of the Washington, DC, unit of STASI and also president of NAMBLA. "He was just muttering how he had finally found a job that fit him perfectly, and how we were messing it up." Sources said that Schickelgruber, originally from Austria, was a Nazi leader in Germany during World War II. Apparently he disappeared after the war’s end, and somehow made his way to America, where he has since worked for the federal government in various capacities.
He was hired as an airport screener about a year ago. "He was our best worker," said the head of security at the airport. "He was a real go-getter, always searching everyone head to toe. He really enjoyed his work. He was the perfect employee for working at the airports, always following orders without asking any questions. In fact, I think he was the perfect employee for the federal government."
Schickelgruber fell under suspicion for what Rohm termed "odd behavior." He said that Schickelgruber, after a particularly thorough search, would "put his left index finger under his nose, raise his right arm out at a 45-degree angle, and click his heels together while marching around in circles and shouting ‘Seig Heil!’ After he did this several thousand times we began to suspect there was something funny about him."
When asked if Schickelgruber had any complaints filed against him by passengers, Rohm replied, "Oh sure. He had thousands -- biting his nails all the time, sucking his fingers, farting in public, asking women to crap on him. But so what? These are the airports, and we have to give up a few liberties to make sure we are safe, right? I mean, we have to make sure pregnant women are really pregnant and aren’t carrying bombs, and that 80-year-old women in wheelchairs don’t have guns packed in any of their orifices. Of course we have to let Arabs and Muslims walk through without being searched, since that would be ethnic profiling."
Two of the most significant complaints involved Schickelgruber trying to strangle a man with piano wire, and shooting a woman in the foot with a 9mm Luger. "However, we decided he acted appropriately under the circumstances," said Rohm. "The passengers were complaining about their treatment, which they have no right to do. Actually, they have no rights at all."
After being alerted by Schickelgruber’s odd behavior, STASI did a thorough background check of him and found that he had been an illegal alien for the past 56 years. "Since he wasn’t Mexican, we had to arrest him," said Rohm.
A search of Schickelgruber’s apartment turned up stolen art supplies, several thousand dollars worth of amphetamines, several hundred pounds of chocolates, an autographed picture of Chuck Berry, and over a thousand handwritten pages of his diary, which was titled, "My Struggle." "Pretty good book, actually," said Rohm. "We found a lot of good advice in it for running the airports, and are looking at how to apply it to the rest of the New America. I can see now why Schickelgruber was such a good employee."
According to sources which asked to remain anonymous, Schickelgruber was released on his own recognizance. "I doubt we’re going to charge him with anything," said one official. "The rules that apply to average citizens don’t apply to the federal government, you now. And, hey, what he did was a long time ago. We should let bygones be bygones.
"Besides, we need him to train our new airport workers."
Adolph Schickelgruber, age unknown, was arrested at his Washington, DC, apartment without incident by detectives from the Secure Transportation and Safety Initiative (STASI).
"He didn’t give us any problems," said Captain Ernst Rohm, head of the Washington, DC, unit of STASI and also president of NAMBLA. "He was just muttering how he had finally found a job that fit him perfectly, and how we were messing it up." Sources said that Schickelgruber, originally from Austria, was a Nazi leader in Germany during World War II. Apparently he disappeared after the war’s end, and somehow made his way to America, where he has since worked for the federal government in various capacities.
He was hired as an airport screener about a year ago. "He was our best worker," said the head of security at the airport. "He was a real go-getter, always searching everyone head to toe. He really enjoyed his work. He was the perfect employee for working at the airports, always following orders without asking any questions. In fact, I think he was the perfect employee for the federal government."
Schickelgruber fell under suspicion for what Rohm termed "odd behavior." He said that Schickelgruber, after a particularly thorough search, would "put his left index finger under his nose, raise his right arm out at a 45-degree angle, and click his heels together while marching around in circles and shouting ‘Seig Heil!’ After he did this several thousand times we began to suspect there was something funny about him."
When asked if Schickelgruber had any complaints filed against him by passengers, Rohm replied, "Oh sure. He had thousands -- biting his nails all the time, sucking his fingers, farting in public, asking women to crap on him. But so what? These are the airports, and we have to give up a few liberties to make sure we are safe, right? I mean, we have to make sure pregnant women are really pregnant and aren’t carrying bombs, and that 80-year-old women in wheelchairs don’t have guns packed in any of their orifices. Of course we have to let Arabs and Muslims walk through without being searched, since that would be ethnic profiling."
Two of the most significant complaints involved Schickelgruber trying to strangle a man with piano wire, and shooting a woman in the foot with a 9mm Luger. "However, we decided he acted appropriately under the circumstances," said Rohm. "The passengers were complaining about their treatment, which they have no right to do. Actually, they have no rights at all."
After being alerted by Schickelgruber’s odd behavior, STASI did a thorough background check of him and found that he had been an illegal alien for the past 56 years. "Since he wasn’t Mexican, we had to arrest him," said Rohm.
A search of Schickelgruber’s apartment turned up stolen art supplies, several thousand dollars worth of amphetamines, several hundred pounds of chocolates, an autographed picture of Chuck Berry, and over a thousand handwritten pages of his diary, which was titled, "My Struggle." "Pretty good book, actually," said Rohm. "We found a lot of good advice in it for running the airports, and are looking at how to apply it to the rest of the New America. I can see now why Schickelgruber was such a good employee."
According to sources which asked to remain anonymous, Schickelgruber was released on his own recognizance. "I doubt we’re going to charge him with anything," said one official. "The rules that apply to average citizens don’t apply to the federal government, you now. And, hey, what he did was a long time ago. We should let bygones be bygones.
"Besides, we need him to train our new airport workers."
Books That Will Never be Written
Bringing Jesus Back by Murdering Palestinians, by Hal Lindsey and Jerry Falwell.
Smoke, Booze, Gamble, Stuff Your Fat Face and Stick Your Nose in Other's Business, by William Bennett.
Dickless, Balless, Spineless, by William Kristol.
An Ugly Little Creep Rejected by Jackie Onassis, by Norman Podhoretz.
The Autobiography of a Little Pissant, by Douglas Feith.
How a Pimple on My Butt Saved My Ass, by Rush Limbaugh.
Souffles for Future Ex-Cons, by Richard Perle.
How Plastic Surgery Can Make You Look Like Uriah Heep, by David Frum.
Incurious George and the Drones of Death, by George Bush.
Your Monkey Wife, but Not Mine, by Pete Singer.
How Many Americans Were Killed in What War?, by Paul Wolfowitz.
Living Without Testicles or Brains, by Max Boot.
Never Eat Your Boogers Around a Photographer, by Henry Kissinger.
Stay Away from Leashes When You're Inbred Trailer Trash, by Lynndie England.
My Mommy Got Me My Job, by Jonah Goldberg.
Smoke, Booze, Gamble, Stuff Your Fat Face and Stick Your Nose in Other's Business, by William Bennett.
Dickless, Balless, Spineless, by William Kristol.
An Ugly Little Creep Rejected by Jackie Onassis, by Norman Podhoretz.
The Autobiography of a Little Pissant, by Douglas Feith.
How a Pimple on My Butt Saved My Ass, by Rush Limbaugh.
Souffles for Future Ex-Cons, by Richard Perle.
How Plastic Surgery Can Make You Look Like Uriah Heep, by David Frum.
Incurious George and the Drones of Death, by George Bush.
Your Monkey Wife, but Not Mine, by Pete Singer.
How Many Americans Were Killed in What War?, by Paul Wolfowitz.
Living Without Testicles or Brains, by Max Boot.
Never Eat Your Boogers Around a Photographer, by Henry Kissinger.
Stay Away from Leashes When You're Inbred Trailer Trash, by Lynndie England.
My Mommy Got Me My Job, by Jonah Goldberg.
The Wang Dang Doodle Telephone Company
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Computer-generated female voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is this correct?
Me: Yes.
Voice: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you.
Me: YES!
Voice: Did you say 'Yes'?
Me: YES!
Voice: Please type in the 14-digit number on the back of your box that begins with '618'.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is that correct?
Me: YES!
Voice: Thank you. Could you please say your address?
Me: 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Voice: I heard '417 Eiler.' Is that correct?
Me: NO!
Voice: Could you say your address?
Me: 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Voice: I heard '3978 Grand Avenue.' Is this correct?
Me: NO!
Voice: Please hold while I transfer your call.
(Muzak version of "Feelings.")
Me: Yech.
Another computer-generated female voice: Please type in your cellular phone number.
Me: I don't have a cellular phone number. That's why I'm calling. Why am I telling you this? You're a computer. You don't understand a word I'm saying. I thought advanced technology was supposed to make our lives easier! Damned cosmodemonic transnational megacorporations! They're almost as bad as the government! Hell, they're PART of the government!
Voice: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. Could you please say your cellular phone number?
Me: (silence)
Voice: Thank you for calling Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. Goodbye.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is this correct?
Me: YES!
Voice: Please hold while I transfer your call.
(Muzak version of Bobby Goldsboro's "Watching Scotty Grow.")
Me: Blech.
Disembodied Indian Accent: Hello, my name is Angelique, and I am a blond, 16-year-old cheerleader dressed in a see-through nightie! Would you like to masturbate while I fulfull your sexual fantasies? It's only five dollars a minute.
Me: Too much. No, wait, I mean I'm calling about my cellular phone!
Accent: Hee hee! I am sporting such a blushing! I believe this is what you Americans call wires that are crossed! I most apologize! Let us try this again! My name is Hadji, I mean Greg! What is your cellular phone number, please?
Me: I don't have one. I was trying to activate my phone, but the system messed up my address and them connected me to a system that disconnected me. When I called back again and tried to activate my phone, it transferred me to you.
Accent: I see. I'll have to connect you to Customer Service.
(Muzak version of Goldsboro's "Honey.")
Me: Two Bobby Goldsboro songs in a row.
American Accent: Could you please tell me your cellular phone number?
Me: I don't have one. The system messed up and connected me to you.
American accent: I'll have to transfer you to Pre-pay.
(Muzak version of "Love Will Keep Us Together.")
Me: Well, I at least kinda like this one.
Another Disembodied American Accent: Could I please have your cellular phone number?
Me: I don't have one. The system messed up my address and connected me to you.
American Accent: I see. I'll have to connect you to Customer Service.
Me: I was just there. They transferred me to you.
American Accent: I understand. I don't have access to the information you want, so you'll have to call back during business hours.
Me: Sure.
American Accent: Thank you. Goodbye.
NEXT DAY
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Computer-generated female voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM.
Me: Ah, shit! (Beep beep beep boop)
Female voice: Your new number will come through on your phone's screen in several seconds!
Me: Cool!
Phone: (Tinny version of Dan Hill's "Sometime When We Touch")
Me: Sonofabitch! That's the ringtone?! ARGH! (Sound of smashing, very similar to Bluto smashing the guy's guitar in Animal House.)
Smoking phone: Sometimes when we touch...the honesty's too much...
Me: ARRRGGHHH!!!
Computer-generated female voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is this correct?
Me: Yes.
Voice: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you.
Me: YES!
Voice: Did you say 'Yes'?
Me: YES!
Voice: Please type in the 14-digit number on the back of your box that begins with '618'.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is that correct?
Me: YES!
Voice: Thank you. Could you please say your address?
Me: 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Voice: I heard '417 Eiler.' Is that correct?
Me: NO!
Voice: Could you say your address?
Me: 1313 Mockingbird Lane.
Voice: I heard '3978 Grand Avenue.' Is this correct?
Me: NO!
Voice: Please hold while I transfer your call.
(Muzak version of "Feelings.")
Me: Yech.
Another computer-generated female voice: Please type in your cellular phone number.
Me: I don't have a cellular phone number. That's why I'm calling. Why am I telling you this? You're a computer. You don't understand a word I'm saying. I thought advanced technology was supposed to make our lives easier! Damned cosmodemonic transnational megacorporations! They're almost as bad as the government! Hell, they're PART of the government!
Voice: I'm sorry, I didn't understand you. Could you please say your cellular phone number?
Me: (silence)
Voice: Thank you for calling Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. Goodbye.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM.
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Voice: I heard 'beep beep boop boop.' Is this correct?
Me: YES!
Voice: Please hold while I transfer your call.
(Muzak version of Bobby Goldsboro's "Watching Scotty Grow.")
Me: Blech.
Disembodied Indian Accent: Hello, my name is Angelique, and I am a blond, 16-year-old cheerleader dressed in a see-through nightie! Would you like to masturbate while I fulfull your sexual fantasies? It's only five dollars a minute.
Me: Too much. No, wait, I mean I'm calling about my cellular phone!
Accent: Hee hee! I am sporting such a blushing! I believe this is what you Americans call wires that are crossed! I most apologize! Let us try this again! My name is Hadji, I mean Greg! What is your cellular phone number, please?
Me: I don't have one. I was trying to activate my phone, but the system messed up my address and them connected me to a system that disconnected me. When I called back again and tried to activate my phone, it transferred me to you.
Accent: I see. I'll have to connect you to Customer Service.
(Muzak version of Goldsboro's "Honey.")
Me: Two Bobby Goldsboro songs in a row.
American Accent: Could you please tell me your cellular phone number?
Me: I don't have one. The system messed up and connected me to you.
American accent: I'll have to transfer you to Pre-pay.
(Muzak version of "Love Will Keep Us Together.")
Me: Well, I at least kinda like this one.
Another Disembodied American Accent: Could I please have your cellular phone number?
Me: I don't have one. The system messed up my address and connected me to you.
American Accent: I see. I'll have to connect you to Customer Service.
Me: I was just there. They transferred me to you.
American Accent: I understand. I don't have access to the information you want, so you'll have to call back during business hours.
Me: Sure.
American Accent: Thank you. Goodbye.
NEXT DAY
Me: Beep beep boop boop.
Computer-generated female voice: Hello. Welcome to the Wangdangdoodle Cellular Phone Company. If you would like to activate your phone, please type in the 16-digit number on the back of your box, that begins with XEM.
Me: Ah, shit! (Beep beep beep boop)
Female voice: Your new number will come through on your phone's screen in several seconds!
Me: Cool!
Phone: (Tinny version of Dan Hill's "Sometime When We Touch")
Me: Sonofabitch! That's the ringtone?! ARGH! (Sound of smashing, very similar to Bluto smashing the guy's guitar in Animal House.)
Smoking phone: Sometimes when we touch...the honesty's too much...
Me: ARRRGGHHH!!!
A Rush to War
The place: Rush Limbaugh's front porch.
Rush: (watching TV) Okay, now throw the ball here. Now throw it there.
Soldier: What're you doing, Mr. Limbaugh?
Rush: Directing the war from my armchair! Oops! Another brave patriot just made the ultimate sacrifice to protect Israel! And to bring Jesus back! And to make sure my SUV has plenty of gas! Say, how do you like my $20 million mansion? Pretty good for a loudmouth and college dropout, huh?
Soldier: You've been drafted, Mr. Limbaugh.
Rush: Ha, ha! Very funny! Hand me my putter, will you? I need a break from running the war from this side of the world.
Soldier: I'm serious, Mr. Limbaugh. You've been drafted. You'll leave for the front lines in Iraq in a few weeks.
Rush: This is a riot! Hey, Marta, come listen to this! Oops, I forgot, I divorced her, too, just like the first two!
Soldier: Listen carefully, Mr. Limbaugh. I'm totally serious. You've been drafted. Now please come with me.
Rush: You really are serious, aren't you?
Soldier: Yes, I am. You've been drafted. Now please come with me.
Rush: Hey, now wait just a minute! Forget that I'm now a cheerleader for the military! I avoided the draft like the plague because I was afraid I'd have to go to Vietnam! So I have no intention of fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan! (Grabs his knee) Ow! Ow! I have a hurt knee from high school football! I can't go!
Soldier: Your high school football coach said you never hurt your knee.
Rush: Liars! A vast left-wing conspiracy to discredit me! Next thing they'll say I was a dope addict who doctor-hopped to get prescriptions! And those painkillers did not damage my hearing! Or my brain!
Soldier: There's a van waiting at the curb for you, Mr. Limbaugh.
Rush: Ow! Ow! I have a pilondal cyst on my butt! Sorry! I can't go with you!
Soldier: A simple operation will fix that problem. The government will even pay for it.
Rush: I think I might be gay! I'm going on my fourth marriage and I don't have any kids! My mentor was a sodomite who died of AIDS!
Soldier: Doesn't matter. We're so short of cannon fodder we'll take anyone -- the obese, the brain-damaged, the cowardly, the maybe-gay, the drug-addicted. In short, Mr. Limbaugh -- you.
Rush: Hillary put you up to this, didn't she? I tell you, I'm not going! My place is to tell others how to run the war, not fight it myself!
Soldier: Goodness, Mr. Limbaugh, you sure seem have lost your gonads when you have to put your money where your mouth is.
Rush: I don't have any gonads, just mouth! Why do you think I read FreeRepublic?
Soldier: Are you going to come peaceably, or do I have to drag you?
Rush: I'm not going! Go draft some minorities, like that throw-a-way po' white trash Lynndie England! I'm rich and politically connected! I don't have to fight! Just ask any member of Congress! Do you see any of their kids in Iraq ? I'll -- I'll get a deferment, just like the five Dick Cheney got to avoid Vietnam ! I'll join the National Guard like that inbred dry-drunk George Bush! He owes me a favor for defending him on my radio program and pretending he's never made a mistake!
Soldier: Okay, Mr. Limbaugh, we'll do it the hard way.
Rush: Help! Help! Mommy! Daddy! Somebody! Anybody! Let go of my ankles!
Soldier: I'm really disappointed in you, Mr. Limbaugh. I mean, leaving tracks in the grass with the tips of your fingers! You act so brave on your radio program. Didn't you say the world was run "by the aggressive use of force"? Why don't you want to defend your country?
Rush: BECAUSE I'M A COWARD, YOU MORON! Isn't it obvious? All those guys -- Bush, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Perle, Hannity, Frum -- all of us are cowards! Can't you see that? It's as obvious as can be! And we're better and smarter than everyone else! Others are supposed to die, not us! We're indispensable to running this country!
Soldier: The graveyards are full of men who thought they were indispensable. Who knows, Mr. Limbaugh, you might even join them soon after you're in Iraq . Don't you want to give your life for your country, and to bring freedom to oppressed people?
Rush: What, are you crazy? I don't give a damn about those wogs if it means putting my life on the line! Don't! Hey, wait -- don't put me in that van! WAH! I want to go home!
William Kristol: Hey, look, everyone, it's Rush Limbaugh!
Rush: They got you, too, huh?
Kristol: They got all of us -- Douglas Feith, Max Boot, Jonah Goldberg, Sean Hannity, John Bolton, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, David Frum, John Podhoretz. And boy, can those guys cry like girls! I guess it's true -- as you sow, so you will reap!
Rush: Make some room in there, will you?
Hannity: Look how fat he is! We can use him as a shield in Iraq! I mean, it's not like we're going to get top-of-the-line body armor!
Rush: This isn't fair!! This isn't the way it was supposed to be! One law for the unwashed masses, another for us Chickenhawks! You know, like in Animal House -- all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others!
Soldier: I think you mean Animal Farm, Mr. Limbaugh.
Rush: Animal Farm, Animal House, who cares! All I know is I've got four legs like a pig! No, wait! I mean two legs like a human!
Solder: Your education is impressive, Mr. Limbaugh. Here's some more education for you: if you survive, you and the rest of these guys just might grow up.
Rush, Kristol, Hannity, et al: We don't want to grow up! It's much too fun playing war as long as we don't have to fight! WAAAAH!!
Rush: (watching TV) Okay, now throw the ball here. Now throw it there.
Soldier: What're you doing, Mr. Limbaugh?
Rush: Directing the war from my armchair! Oops! Another brave patriot just made the ultimate sacrifice to protect Israel! And to bring Jesus back! And to make sure my SUV has plenty of gas! Say, how do you like my $20 million mansion? Pretty good for a loudmouth and college dropout, huh?
Soldier: You've been drafted, Mr. Limbaugh.
Rush: Ha, ha! Very funny! Hand me my putter, will you? I need a break from running the war from this side of the world.
Soldier: I'm serious, Mr. Limbaugh. You've been drafted. You'll leave for the front lines in Iraq in a few weeks.
Rush: This is a riot! Hey, Marta, come listen to this! Oops, I forgot, I divorced her, too, just like the first two!
Soldier: Listen carefully, Mr. Limbaugh. I'm totally serious. You've been drafted. Now please come with me.
Rush: You really are serious, aren't you?
Soldier: Yes, I am. You've been drafted. Now please come with me.
Rush: Hey, now wait just a minute! Forget that I'm now a cheerleader for the military! I avoided the draft like the plague because I was afraid I'd have to go to Vietnam! So I have no intention of fighting in Iraq or Afghanistan! (Grabs his knee) Ow! Ow! I have a hurt knee from high school football! I can't go!
Soldier: Your high school football coach said you never hurt your knee.
Rush: Liars! A vast left-wing conspiracy to discredit me! Next thing they'll say I was a dope addict who doctor-hopped to get prescriptions! And those painkillers did not damage my hearing! Or my brain!
Soldier: There's a van waiting at the curb for you, Mr. Limbaugh.
Rush: Ow! Ow! I have a pilondal cyst on my butt! Sorry! I can't go with you!
Soldier: A simple operation will fix that problem. The government will even pay for it.
Rush: I think I might be gay! I'm going on my fourth marriage and I don't have any kids! My mentor was a sodomite who died of AIDS!
Soldier: Doesn't matter. We're so short of cannon fodder we'll take anyone -- the obese, the brain-damaged, the cowardly, the maybe-gay, the drug-addicted. In short, Mr. Limbaugh -- you.
Rush: Hillary put you up to this, didn't she? I tell you, I'm not going! My place is to tell others how to run the war, not fight it myself!
Soldier: Goodness, Mr. Limbaugh, you sure seem have lost your gonads when you have to put your money where your mouth is.
Rush: I don't have any gonads, just mouth! Why do you think I read FreeRepublic?
Soldier: Are you going to come peaceably, or do I have to drag you?
Rush: I'm not going! Go draft some minorities, like that throw-a-way po' white trash Lynndie England! I'm rich and politically connected! I don't have to fight! Just ask any member of Congress! Do you see any of their kids in Iraq ? I'll -- I'll get a deferment, just like the five Dick Cheney got to avoid Vietnam ! I'll join the National Guard like that inbred dry-drunk George Bush! He owes me a favor for defending him on my radio program and pretending he's never made a mistake!
Soldier: Okay, Mr. Limbaugh, we'll do it the hard way.
Rush: Help! Help! Mommy! Daddy! Somebody! Anybody! Let go of my ankles!
Soldier: I'm really disappointed in you, Mr. Limbaugh. I mean, leaving tracks in the grass with the tips of your fingers! You act so brave on your radio program. Didn't you say the world was run "by the aggressive use of force"? Why don't you want to defend your country?
Rush: BECAUSE I'M A COWARD, YOU MORON! Isn't it obvious? All those guys -- Bush, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Perle, Hannity, Frum -- all of us are cowards! Can't you see that? It's as obvious as can be! And we're better and smarter than everyone else! Others are supposed to die, not us! We're indispensable to running this country!
Soldier: The graveyards are full of men who thought they were indispensable. Who knows, Mr. Limbaugh, you might even join them soon after you're in Iraq . Don't you want to give your life for your country, and to bring freedom to oppressed people?
Rush: What, are you crazy? I don't give a damn about those wogs if it means putting my life on the line! Don't! Hey, wait -- don't put me in that van! WAH! I want to go home!
William Kristol: Hey, look, everyone, it's Rush Limbaugh!
Rush: They got you, too, huh?
Kristol: They got all of us -- Douglas Feith, Max Boot, Jonah Goldberg, Sean Hannity, John Bolton, Paul Wolfowitz, Richard Perle, David Frum, John Podhoretz. And boy, can those guys cry like girls! I guess it's true -- as you sow, so you will reap!
Rush: Make some room in there, will you?
Hannity: Look how fat he is! We can use him as a shield in Iraq! I mean, it's not like we're going to get top-of-the-line body armor!
Rush: This isn't fair!! This isn't the way it was supposed to be! One law for the unwashed masses, another for us Chickenhawks! You know, like in Animal House -- all animals are equal, but some animals are more equal than others!
Soldier: I think you mean Animal Farm, Mr. Limbaugh.
Rush: Animal Farm, Animal House, who cares! All I know is I've got four legs like a pig! No, wait! I mean two legs like a human!
Solder: Your education is impressive, Mr. Limbaugh. Here's some more education for you: if you survive, you and the rest of these guys just might grow up.
Rush, Kristol, Hannity, et al: We don't want to grow up! It's much too fun playing war as long as we don't have to fight! WAAAAH!!
Grandma Beats up Security Guards
FROSTBITE FALLS, MN -- Charges were dropped yesterday against Ruth "Grammy" Gordon, an 83-year-old wheelchair-bound grandmother, who was originally charged with assault and battery, and assault with a deadly weapon, because of an altercation she had last week with six TSA (Transport Security Administration) guards, that left all of them hospitalized.
"Justice has been served," said the 95-pound mother of three and grandmother of six, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen bottle. "Now I'm going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I'm an American, and I won’t be treated like this."
The problem began last month as Gordon was attempting to board an airplane at the R.J. Squirrel Airport in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. "These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals," she said, "but they’re dumber than rocks. Here they were letting guys who looked just like terrorists walk through without searching them, and then they pull me aside and tell me they’re going to search me? I don’t think so."
According to one witness, Bud Cort of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, one guard, "who weighed about 300 pounds, looked like he was drunk, and had his shirt out, told this woman she couldn’t board the plane unless they searched her. He was really rude. That’s when the trouble started."
Videotapes showed that Gordon ran the guard down with her motorized wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming man while spinning her chair in circles. "Doofus was so fat he couldn’t get up," said Gordon with a giggle.
One guard who attempted to pull Gordon’s wheelchair off of the screaming man from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and left spreadeagled unconscious on the floor. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was left dazed on the floor, holding his head in his heads and crying like a girl.
Witnesses said she was cackling, "Put your hands on an old lady, will you?" as she repeatedly and energetically thumped both guards with her oxygen bottle.
The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon’s wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his left buttock. "What a wimp," she told reporters. "He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that someone kicked."
"It was amazing," said another witness, Scott Ryan, also of Cuyahoga Falls, a professor of music at Ohio Express University and author of Yusef Islam: Cat Stevens Declawed. "The whole crowd just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she was whupping butt."
A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants set on fire with a cigarette lighter that Gordon pulled from her purse. "He just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all these flames flying out of his rear," said Ryan.
A sixth guard did finally manage to get Gordon in a body hug. "I think that was the wrong thing to do," said another witness, who declined to be identified. "She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and cracked him across the jaw with her skinny fist. And down and out he went."
The tapes showed that as the first guard under the wheelchair was getting up, Gordon grabbed him in a headlock, hit him several times in his forehead with a gnarled fist, and yelled, "Apologize to me, you fat sumbitch, or when I’m done with you you’ll just be a greasy spot on the floor!"
As the crowd roared, the guard cried, "I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Uncle! I won’t do it again!"
Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to jail and released on her own recognizance. "We didn’t have any choice," said an unidentified officer of the court. "Over 200 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot."
Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the precariousness of the case, Gordon was not charged with anything. "I doubt there’s a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of anything," said one of the lawyers.
"Now this is the way America is supposed to be," Gordon announced. "I’m flying again tomorrow, and I suggest no one at the airport so much as look at me wrong."
at Friday, December 21, 2007
"Justice has been served," said the 95-pound mother of three and grandmother of six, as she sat in her wheelchair, aided in her breathing by an oxygen bottle. "Now I'm going to sue every fool in the federal government for ignorance, stupidity, and just plain general incompetence. I'm an American, and I won’t be treated like this."
The problem began last month as Gordon was attempting to board an airplane at the R.J. Squirrel Airport in Frostbite Falls, Minnesota. "These guys are supposed to be some kind of professionals," she said, "but they’re dumber than rocks. Here they were letting guys who looked just like terrorists walk through without searching them, and then they pull me aside and tell me they’re going to search me? I don’t think so."
According to one witness, Bud Cort of Cuyahoga Falls, Ohio, one guard, "who weighed about 300 pounds, looked like he was drunk, and had his shirt out, told this woman she couldn’t board the plane unless they searched her. He was really rude. That’s when the trouble started."
Videotapes showed that Gordon ran the guard down with her motorized wheelchair, then sat on top of the screaming man while spinning her chair in circles. "Doofus was so fat he couldn’t get up," said Gordon with a giggle.
One guard who attempted to pull Gordon’s wheelchair off of the screaming man from behind was hit over the head with an oxygen bottle and left spreadeagled unconscious on the floor. A third guard, who approached Gordon from the front, was left dazed on the floor, holding his head in his heads and crying like a girl.
Witnesses said she was cackling, "Put your hands on an old lady, will you?" as she repeatedly and energetically thumped both guards with her oxygen bottle.
The tape also showed a fourth guard attempting to grab Gordon’s wheelchair. Gordon removed a knitting needle from her purse and stabbed him in his left buttock. "What a wimp," she told reporters. "He started screaming and grabbing his butt and running like a puppy that someone kicked."
"It was amazing," said another witness, Scott Ryan, also of Cuyahoga Falls, a professor of music at Ohio Express University and author of Yusef Islam: Cat Stevens Declawed. "The whole crowd just stood there cheering and clapping. I mean, she was whupping butt."
A fifth guard that attempted to grab Gordon had the seat of his pants set on fire with a cigarette lighter that Gordon pulled from her purse. "He just went whoosh across the concourse, screaming and slapping at all these flames flying out of his rear," said Ryan.
A sixth guard did finally manage to get Gordon in a body hug. "I think that was the wrong thing to do," said another witness, who declined to be identified. "She just grabbed him by his greasy hair with one hand and cracked him across the jaw with her skinny fist. And down and out he went."
The tapes showed that as the first guard under the wheelchair was getting up, Gordon grabbed him in a headlock, hit him several times in his forehead with a gnarled fist, and yelled, "Apologize to me, you fat sumbitch, or when I’m done with you you’ll just be a greasy spot on the floor!"
As the crowd roared, the guard cried, "I’m sorry, I’m sorry! Uncle! I won’t do it again!"
Finally, Gordon surrendered without further incident, and was taken to jail and released on her own recognizance. "We didn’t have any choice," said an unidentified officer of the court. "Over 200 people showed up to support her. I think if we had demanded bail, there would have been a riot."
Over 20 lawyers offered to defend her for free. However, realizing the precariousness of the case, Gordon was not charged with anything. "I doubt there’s a jury in the whole country that would have found her guilty of anything," said one of the lawyers.
"Now this is the way America is supposed to be," Gordon announced. "I’m flying again tomorrow, and I suggest no one at the airport so much as look at me wrong."
at Friday, December 21, 2007
Snuggles the Wonder Dog
President: Where is that darn dog? I need his analysis of the intelligence we've gathered!
Vice-President: I'm not sure you should trust the fate of the free world to a 12-pound pug!
President: Well, he is a genius, you know. He has the IQ of William James Sidis! And he did drive my daughters home one night when they were so tipsy they got into the back seat and wondered why they couldn't find the steering wheel. (Chuckes.) That reminds me of what I used to do when I was their age. . .
(Sound of door opening.)
President: Snuggles! Thank God you're here! Good boy!
Snuggles: Arf! Arf! (Sound of munching of biscuit.)
Secretary of Defense: You call two pages an analysis? It should be at least 5000!
Snuggles: BRRRRAAAP!
President: Please don't fart at the Secretary of Defense, Snuggles. Farting at subbordinates is my job.
Snuggles: Heh heh.
President: Hmm. . .interesting. . .no Weapons of Mass Destruction. . .simplistic and dangerous view to think we're good and they're evil. . .blowback for 50 years of supporting dictators. . .bait to lure us into a war to bleed us of blood and treasure. . .thousands of American casualties. . .hundreds of billions of dollars . .civil war. . .increasingly sophisticated guerilla attacks. . .ten year commitment. . .loss of the goodwill of the rest of the world. . .say, this is brilliant!
Secretary of Defense: This is outrageous! He's nothing but a dog with a curly tail! Are you going to listen to a dog instead of us? Hello? The Best and the Brightest? Ever heard of us? Harvard? Yale? Who do think can give the best advice? A bunch of guys from Ivy League colleges or some little beast that drinks from the toilet?
President: Okay, guys, calm down!
Secretary of Defense: And I certainly don't need any more cracks from that miserable werepug about John F. Kennedy, Robert McNamara, Vietnam and quagmires!
Vice-President: Or about chickenhawks taking five deferments to escape serving in Vietnam! Or hiding out in an underground bunker like Dr. Strangelove! Quit sniggering, Snuggles!
President: C'mon, guys, you're putting me between Iraq and a hard place!
Secretary of Defense: Well, you're going to have to choose. Are you going to listen to us, or a dog? Whose advice is sound? What do you think the public would do if they found out your top adviser is some mutt? Think of your chances for re-election! Besides, we guarantee you the invasion will be a cakewalk! The people will line the streets and throw flowers at us as liberarators! The American public will sing great songs about our brilliance! A ten-year war? Ha! We'll be there just a few months!
President: Hmmm. . .you do have a point. Snuggles, you do give great advice, but heck, let's face facts! You're a dog! These guys want to start a war, and I guess I should listen to them! Sorry, but I think I'm going to have to find another position in the administration for you!
Vice-President: Hahaha!
Snuggles: Hee-yah!
Vice President: OOF!
President: Please don't punch the Vice President in his balls, Snuggles.
Snuggles: Hee hee.
President: What's that you're saying, Snuggles?
Snuggles: Arf, arf, bark, bark, ur! ur! ur!
President: Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it? These guys couldn't find their butts with both hands? A dog makes more sense than they do? And you're going into the movies? A bit part in Men in Black? Well, good luck!
Vice-President: I'm not sure you should trust the fate of the free world to a 12-pound pug!
President: Well, he is a genius, you know. He has the IQ of William James Sidis! And he did drive my daughters home one night when they were so tipsy they got into the back seat and wondered why they couldn't find the steering wheel. (Chuckes.) That reminds me of what I used to do when I was their age. . .
(Sound of door opening.)
President: Snuggles! Thank God you're here! Good boy!
Snuggles: Arf! Arf! (Sound of munching of biscuit.)
Secretary of Defense: You call two pages an analysis? It should be at least 5000!
Snuggles: BRRRRAAAP!
President: Please don't fart at the Secretary of Defense, Snuggles. Farting at subbordinates is my job.
Snuggles: Heh heh.
President: Hmm. . .interesting. . .no Weapons of Mass Destruction. . .simplistic and dangerous view to think we're good and they're evil. . .blowback for 50 years of supporting dictators. . .bait to lure us into a war to bleed us of blood and treasure. . .thousands of American casualties. . .hundreds of billions of dollars . .civil war. . .increasingly sophisticated guerilla attacks. . .ten year commitment. . .loss of the goodwill of the rest of the world. . .say, this is brilliant!
Secretary of Defense: This is outrageous! He's nothing but a dog with a curly tail! Are you going to listen to a dog instead of us? Hello? The Best and the Brightest? Ever heard of us? Harvard? Yale? Who do think can give the best advice? A bunch of guys from Ivy League colleges or some little beast that drinks from the toilet?
President: Okay, guys, calm down!
Secretary of Defense: And I certainly don't need any more cracks from that miserable werepug about John F. Kennedy, Robert McNamara, Vietnam and quagmires!
Vice-President: Or about chickenhawks taking five deferments to escape serving in Vietnam! Or hiding out in an underground bunker like Dr. Strangelove! Quit sniggering, Snuggles!
President: C'mon, guys, you're putting me between Iraq and a hard place!
Secretary of Defense: Well, you're going to have to choose. Are you going to listen to us, or a dog? Whose advice is sound? What do you think the public would do if they found out your top adviser is some mutt? Think of your chances for re-election! Besides, we guarantee you the invasion will be a cakewalk! The people will line the streets and throw flowers at us as liberarators! The American public will sing great songs about our brilliance! A ten-year war? Ha! We'll be there just a few months!
President: Hmmm. . .you do have a point. Snuggles, you do give great advice, but heck, let's face facts! You're a dog! These guys want to start a war, and I guess I should listen to them! Sorry, but I think I'm going to have to find another position in the administration for you!
Vice-President: Hahaha!
Snuggles: Hee-yah!
Vice President: OOF!
President: Please don't punch the Vice President in his balls, Snuggles.
Snuggles: Hee hee.
President: What's that you're saying, Snuggles?
Snuggles: Arf, arf, bark, bark, ur! ur! ur!
President: Those who don't learn from history are doomed to repeat it? These guys couldn't find their butts with both hands? A dog makes more sense than they do? And you're going into the movies? A bit part in Men in Black? Well, good luck!
Satan Disappointed in Neocon Spawn
His Satanic Majesty Satan, aka Lucifer, aka Beelzebub, has recently expressed great disappointment in his current quasi-humanoid offspring, commonly known to the public as "neoconservatives."
"I have been trying for thousands of years to get humanity to follow the Left-Hand Path, and these guys are the pits at helping me," he said disgustedly, in a recent interview. "I've been behind some major players--Pol Pot, Stalin, Hitler, Lincoln, FDR--and compared to them, these guys are buffoons. They couldn't even con the US administration into invading two insignificant little countries without fouling it up. I wanted millions dead, decades of war and murder and destruction, and trillions of dollars wasted. These punks couldn't even do that. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Try Pony League klutzes always dropping the ball!"
Shaking his horned head sadly, Satan complained, "They had every chance. They conned people into believing they were rightists instead of leftists, they maligned patriots as traitors and convinced dunces it was true, they had the jug ear of the Alfred E. Newman who's the current President. And of best, they had a lot of the public unable to tell the difference between God's true laws and Man's foolish ones!"
Looking very annoyed, Beelzebub explained, "I wanted the earth scorched, rivers of blood! What did I get? Two crummy little wars they've screwed up! They've blown all of it," said his Royal Foulness, rolling his eyes. "And now all of them are gonna pay."
As a result, Satan said he is closing down his current "Sons of Satan" Earthly Tour, and has recalled the main players.
"I certainly didn't expect to be recalled to Hell," commented a shocked and skeletal William Kristol, as he was being used as a toothpick to dislodge a chunk of Rush Limbaugh. "I always thought I was a good son--a cowardly, chickenhawk armchair warrior who called for more dead Americans, as long as I didn't have to fight. What more could Satan ask of one of his sons? I mean, how much more of a traitorous, back-stabbing weasel could I be?
"You know what the most humiliating thing is?" he continued. "I'm down here with Osama bin Laden. It's like our Father thinks we're the same kind of guy."
"This isn't fair at all," whined Douglas "Footstool" Feith, as Lucifer propped his smoking, cloven-hoofed goat-feet on his back. "I don't deserve this. I helped set up a shadow government in the Pentagon to distort intelligence to get the US into an unnecessary war! Doesn't that count for something around here?"
"I've got it the worst of all," said a bitter Max "Commode" Boot, as Satan sniggered and gave him a swirly. "I called for more dead Americans in Afghanistan ! I hid the fact I was Russian and not American! I never served in the military and never had any intention of doing so! I was downright cowardly--and look how I'm being treated here!"
"This is revolting," blubbered David Frum, tears streaming down his face, his bad haircut smoldering and then bursting into flames as Satan used him to pick his nose. "I wrote a book bamboozling the foolish into thinking there could be an end to evil! I was a scoundrel wrapping himself in the flag! I followed what Goethe said: 'The coward threatens when he is safe'! And this is what I get! Couldn't Dad at least send me back to Canada ?"
"Why don't all of you shut up," sobbed Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz, used as Satan's "Charmin" and his handkerchief, respectively. "We were the main architects of the war. Think of all the dead and horribly wounded Americans! And now this! It's as unfair as can be!"
"Quit your whining," admonished the Dark Lord, frowning at his cringing vassals, "or I'll give all of you a Satanic Wedgie. I gave you my Diabolical Ten Commandments to follow, and you morons couldn't even get a handful of simple rules right! Worship the Strange God of the State, murder, steal and tell lies against your neighbors, covet--and you clowns couldn't even get them right! Someone bring me a four-year-old! He couldn't do any worse than you jerks!
"Why oh why oh why can't I find any competent villains anymore?" he asked in exasperation. "These guys are half-retarded, and that's the good half."
When asked what his plans for the future were, Satan laughed and answered, "Why, the same as always. Get the human race to sacrifice to me through war, mass murder and massive destruction. I'll do what every tyrant does--attempt to conquer the world by pretending I and my minions are benefactors. The masses always fall for that little trick."
"I have been trying for thousands of years to get humanity to follow the Left-Hand Path, and these guys are the pits at helping me," he said disgustedly, in a recent interview. "I've been behind some major players--Pol Pot, Stalin, Hitler, Lincoln, FDR--and compared to them, these guys are buffoons. They couldn't even con the US administration into invading two insignificant little countries without fouling it up. I wanted millions dead, decades of war and murder and destruction, and trillions of dollars wasted. These punks couldn't even do that. The Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse? Try Pony League klutzes always dropping the ball!"
Shaking his horned head sadly, Satan complained, "They had every chance. They conned people into believing they were rightists instead of leftists, they maligned patriots as traitors and convinced dunces it was true, they had the jug ear of the Alfred E. Newman who's the current President. And of best, they had a lot of the public unable to tell the difference between God's true laws and Man's foolish ones!"
Looking very annoyed, Beelzebub explained, "I wanted the earth scorched, rivers of blood! What did I get? Two crummy little wars they've screwed up! They've blown all of it," said his Royal Foulness, rolling his eyes. "And now all of them are gonna pay."
As a result, Satan said he is closing down his current "Sons of Satan" Earthly Tour, and has recalled the main players.
"I certainly didn't expect to be recalled to Hell," commented a shocked and skeletal William Kristol, as he was being used as a toothpick to dislodge a chunk of Rush Limbaugh. "I always thought I was a good son--a cowardly, chickenhawk armchair warrior who called for more dead Americans, as long as I didn't have to fight. What more could Satan ask of one of his sons? I mean, how much more of a traitorous, back-stabbing weasel could I be?
"You know what the most humiliating thing is?" he continued. "I'm down here with Osama bin Laden. It's like our Father thinks we're the same kind of guy."
"This isn't fair at all," whined Douglas "Footstool" Feith, as Lucifer propped his smoking, cloven-hoofed goat-feet on his back. "I don't deserve this. I helped set up a shadow government in the Pentagon to distort intelligence to get the US into an unnecessary war! Doesn't that count for something around here?"
"I've got it the worst of all," said a bitter Max "Commode" Boot, as Satan sniggered and gave him a swirly. "I called for more dead Americans in Afghanistan ! I hid the fact I was Russian and not American! I never served in the military and never had any intention of doing so! I was downright cowardly--and look how I'm being treated here!"
"This is revolting," blubbered David Frum, tears streaming down his face, his bad haircut smoldering and then bursting into flames as Satan used him to pick his nose. "I wrote a book bamboozling the foolish into thinking there could be an end to evil! I was a scoundrel wrapping himself in the flag! I followed what Goethe said: 'The coward threatens when he is safe'! And this is what I get! Couldn't Dad at least send me back to Canada ?"
"Why don't all of you shut up," sobbed Richard Perle and Paul Wolfowitz, used as Satan's "Charmin" and his handkerchief, respectively. "We were the main architects of the war. Think of all the dead and horribly wounded Americans! And now this! It's as unfair as can be!"
"Quit your whining," admonished the Dark Lord, frowning at his cringing vassals, "or I'll give all of you a Satanic Wedgie. I gave you my Diabolical Ten Commandments to follow, and you morons couldn't even get a handful of simple rules right! Worship the Strange God of the State, murder, steal and tell lies against your neighbors, covet--and you clowns couldn't even get them right! Someone bring me a four-year-old! He couldn't do any worse than you jerks!
"Why oh why oh why can't I find any competent villains anymore?" he asked in exasperation. "These guys are half-retarded, and that's the good half."
When asked what his plans for the future were, Satan laughed and answered, "Why, the same as always. Get the human race to sacrifice to me through war, mass murder and massive destruction. I'll do what every tyrant does--attempt to conquer the world by pretending I and my minions are benefactors. The masses always fall for that little trick."
How to Deal with Hijacked Planes
Hijacker: This is a hijacking! I have a boxcutter!
Grandma: I have a .45! Now reach for the sky, or I'll put a hole in that diaper-hat on top of your pointy little head!
Hijacker: What?! I did not know Americans were allowed to carry handguns on airplanes! I thought the liberals took away your firearms and your gonads!
Grandma: What alternate universe do you live in? This is America, land of the free and home of the brave! And the armed!
Bureaucrat: Everyone put away your handguns and surrender! Do what they tell you! There won't be any trouble if you just act like sheep!
Grandma: Shut up you, you worthless idjit! (Smacks bureaucrat on top of his head, which causes him to cry like a girl.) Anyone who listens to anything said by anyone from the government deserves exactly what they get!
Hijacker: Surrender! We are going to fly these planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and the White House!
Grandma: Bringing a knife to a gunfight, huh?
Hijacker: God will help me!
Grandma: God helps those who help themselves! And you need help right now! (BLAM!)
Hijacker: AIEEEE!! (claps hands over the hole in his forehead) The 72 virgins await me! (Topples over, exits.)
Other hijackers: Imams preserve us! Everyone on the plane has handguns pointed at us, pistols probably loaded with frangible ammo, which make horrible wounds in us but won't exit, thereby not penetrating the aircraft walls! (Looks pensive) Not that's any big deal, since aircraft are designed in case a hole eppaars, so nobody will be sucked out, like in Goldfinger. Now as to why Oddjob got sucked out in the movie but Oddjob in the novel, I don't know. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah -- we surrender!
Passengers: (chorus): Oh, really?
Osama bin Laden: Dang. My plan to draw the U.S. into a war so the entire Islamic world will hate them just fell apart! Now I'll have to find another way to get America to bleed itself dry of blood and treasure! Drats! My nefarious plans foiled! (Looks pensive.) But then, on the other hand, I'm not going to end up a pile of squashed bones under a mountain in Afghanistan!
George Bush: Ah, shoot. Now I'll go down in history as a mediocre president who presided over a miniscule tax cut and some minor deregulation. (Looks pensive.) Well, I guess that's better than being known as a stumble-tongued fool who fell into Osama bin Laden's trap and started World War III!
Neocons: Dang! Our insane leftist plans to conquer the Middle East just went up in smoke! (Looks pensive.) On the other hand, at least we're not going to be exposed as the deluded, traitorous, crackpot, chickenhawk armchair-general cowards that all of us really are!
Father: Hi, honey! I'm home from my job at the World Trade Center!
Wife: Thank goodness! A bunch of nuts tried to hijack four planes and fly them right into the building where you work! The passengers shot a bunch of them and the rest surrendered!
Father: Wow! I might have been killed! Good thing those passengers were armed! Why, 3000 people could have been killed had the hijackers succeeded!
Daughter: Daddy! You're home!
Father: Yep, honey, safe and sound, thanks to the brave citizens of this wonderful country, who understand how utterly foolish and worthless the government really is.
Daughter: Yay for America! And .45 caliber semi-automatics!
Grandma: I have a .45! Now reach for the sky, or I'll put a hole in that diaper-hat on top of your pointy little head!
Hijacker: What?! I did not know Americans were allowed to carry handguns on airplanes! I thought the liberals took away your firearms and your gonads!
Grandma: What alternate universe do you live in? This is America, land of the free and home of the brave! And the armed!
Bureaucrat: Everyone put away your handguns and surrender! Do what they tell you! There won't be any trouble if you just act like sheep!
Grandma: Shut up you, you worthless idjit! (Smacks bureaucrat on top of his head, which causes him to cry like a girl.) Anyone who listens to anything said by anyone from the government deserves exactly what they get!
Hijacker: Surrender! We are going to fly these planes into the World Trade Center, the Pentagon and the White House!
Grandma: Bringing a knife to a gunfight, huh?
Hijacker: God will help me!
Grandma: God helps those who help themselves! And you need help right now! (BLAM!)
Hijacker: AIEEEE!! (claps hands over the hole in his forehead) The 72 virgins await me! (Topples over, exits.)
Other hijackers: Imams preserve us! Everyone on the plane has handguns pointed at us, pistols probably loaded with frangible ammo, which make horrible wounds in us but won't exit, thereby not penetrating the aircraft walls! (Looks pensive) Not that's any big deal, since aircraft are designed in case a hole eppaars, so nobody will be sucked out, like in Goldfinger. Now as to why Oddjob got sucked out in the movie but Oddjob in the novel, I don't know. Anyway, where was I? Oh, yeah -- we surrender!
Passengers: (chorus): Oh, really?
Osama bin Laden: Dang. My plan to draw the U.S. into a war so the entire Islamic world will hate them just fell apart! Now I'll have to find another way to get America to bleed itself dry of blood and treasure! Drats! My nefarious plans foiled! (Looks pensive.) But then, on the other hand, I'm not going to end up a pile of squashed bones under a mountain in Afghanistan!
George Bush: Ah, shoot. Now I'll go down in history as a mediocre president who presided over a miniscule tax cut and some minor deregulation. (Looks pensive.) Well, I guess that's better than being known as a stumble-tongued fool who fell into Osama bin Laden's trap and started World War III!
Neocons: Dang! Our insane leftist plans to conquer the Middle East just went up in smoke! (Looks pensive.) On the other hand, at least we're not going to be exposed as the deluded, traitorous, crackpot, chickenhawk armchair-general cowards that all of us really are!
Father: Hi, honey! I'm home from my job at the World Trade Center!
Wife: Thank goodness! A bunch of nuts tried to hijack four planes and fly them right into the building where you work! The passengers shot a bunch of them and the rest surrendered!
Father: Wow! I might have been killed! Good thing those passengers were armed! Why, 3000 people could have been killed had the hijackers succeeded!
Daughter: Daddy! You're home!
Father: Yep, honey, safe and sound, thanks to the brave citizens of this wonderful country, who understand how utterly foolish and worthless the government really is.
Daughter: Yay for America! And .45 caliber semi-automatics!
The Amazing Wackety Wackety Money Machine
Alan Greenspan: Wackety! Wackety! Wackety!
Pizza Deliverer: Hello? Did someone here order --- AHHH!! What the hell are you?!
Greenspan (chuckling): Scary, ain't I?
Deliverer: Dude, you look like an reanimated corpse! Kinda like that guy with all the knives in "Hellboy!"
Greenspan: Been like this all my life. Even Ayn Rand said I looked like an undertaker, and she was pretty much a catastrophe in the looks department herself. But I have some consolations. Like this! (points to machine) Know what this is?
Deliverer: I have no idea.
Greenspan: It's the Federal Reserve Bank printing press. See, I turn the crank, it goes wackety! wackety! wackety! and billions of paper dollars just pour out into these laundry baskets here. Then we put the money into helicopters and dump it onto crowds of people.
Trolls: ARGH!
Deliverer: Jesus! What's going on here? A zombie and now monsters!
Greenspan: These guys deliver the baskets to the waiting helicopters. I find it poetic justice that monsters are destroying the value of your money. (Chuckles again) But then, for all practical purposes, the Federal Reserve is a monster since has it destroyed about 98% of the value of your money since it was created in 1913.
Deliverer: That doesn't sound right, dude.
Greenspan: It's not.
Deliverer: Then why do you do it?
Greenspan: Oh, I'm kind of a weakling when pressed by politicians. Politicians and the public and corporations just love easy money. The public is so stupid they think they're getting richer when in reality their wealth is being destroyed by my inflating the money supply. Also, politicians want to stay in office by promising jobs and all kinds of benefits to the retards that up the mass of voters.
Deliverer: Sheesh! The things you learn delivering pizzas!
Greenspan: Then there's the allure of money and fame. You'd be amazed at the number of people who are seduced by money, fame, power, sex. Especially politicians, who are sort of a subhuman form of life, anyway. Unfortunately, in my case, being 79 years old, the sex angle doesn't work on me anymore. The only crank that works for me these days is the one I'm turning on this here printing press.
Deliverer: How in the world do you get away with this? Sounds like you're a counterfeiter.
Greenspan: I am a counterfeiter. Kind of funny, isn't it? People think the government is their friend. It's not. It benefits only those who have captured it. You know what inflation does? It transfers wealth from the majority of people to a very small minority. The rich gets richer and the poor get poorer. That's what the purpose of government is, and unfortunately it's ultimately the peoples' fault for letting us get away with it.
Deliverer: Doesn't seem like you should be telling me this stuff. Aren't you afraid something bad might happen to you if I went out and told everyone?
Greenspan: Nope, not at all. There are thousands upon thousands of people yelling about what I'm doing, and no one's listening. The public won't pay any attention until the money completely loses its value and collapses, as all paper money does when it's not backed by gold and silver. In the meantime, I'm being celebrated as the greatest head of the Fed ever. You know what? I'm the worst. The dollar has lost 30% of its value under my watch. And even though I should be put on a horse and given a last cigarette before the horse's rump is slapped and I'm allowed to dangle, not a damn thing is doing to happen to me.
Deliverer: Damn! You've got a great job! You can be a big-time criminal if you are part of the government, violate every one of the Ten Commandments, slaughter, lie, steal -- and people praise you!
Greenspan: Yep, you got it. That should be in the Bible. (Looks pensive) Now that I think about it, it is.
Deliverer: Say, do you mind if I take one of these baskets of money?
Greenspan: Go right ahead. Not too long in the future it might take a basket of money to pay for a pizza, anyway. It happened in Germany before World War II, when the government hyperinflated the money supply to the point it was completely worthless. Everyone lost their life's savings.
Deliverer: Hey, thanks, Mr. Greenspan!
Greenspan: Don't mention it.
Deliverer: Bye, Mr. Greenspan!
Greenspan: That's what you think. What I've done to the country will be around for a long, long time.
Monsters: ARGH!
Pizza Deliverer: Hello? Did someone here order --- AHHH!! What the hell are you?!
Greenspan (chuckling): Scary, ain't I?
Deliverer: Dude, you look like an reanimated corpse! Kinda like that guy with all the knives in "Hellboy!"
Greenspan: Been like this all my life. Even Ayn Rand said I looked like an undertaker, and she was pretty much a catastrophe in the looks department herself. But I have some consolations. Like this! (points to machine) Know what this is?
Deliverer: I have no idea.
Greenspan: It's the Federal Reserve Bank printing press. See, I turn the crank, it goes wackety! wackety! wackety! and billions of paper dollars just pour out into these laundry baskets here. Then we put the money into helicopters and dump it onto crowds of people.
Trolls: ARGH!
Deliverer: Jesus! What's going on here? A zombie and now monsters!
Greenspan: These guys deliver the baskets to the waiting helicopters. I find it poetic justice that monsters are destroying the value of your money. (Chuckles again) But then, for all practical purposes, the Federal Reserve is a monster since has it destroyed about 98% of the value of your money since it was created in 1913.
Deliverer: That doesn't sound right, dude.
Greenspan: It's not.
Deliverer: Then why do you do it?
Greenspan: Oh, I'm kind of a weakling when pressed by politicians. Politicians and the public and corporations just love easy money. The public is so stupid they think they're getting richer when in reality their wealth is being destroyed by my inflating the money supply. Also, politicians want to stay in office by promising jobs and all kinds of benefits to the retards that up the mass of voters.
Deliverer: Sheesh! The things you learn delivering pizzas!
Greenspan: Then there's the allure of money and fame. You'd be amazed at the number of people who are seduced by money, fame, power, sex. Especially politicians, who are sort of a subhuman form of life, anyway. Unfortunately, in my case, being 79 years old, the sex angle doesn't work on me anymore. The only crank that works for me these days is the one I'm turning on this here printing press.
Deliverer: How in the world do you get away with this? Sounds like you're a counterfeiter.
Greenspan: I am a counterfeiter. Kind of funny, isn't it? People think the government is their friend. It's not. It benefits only those who have captured it. You know what inflation does? It transfers wealth from the majority of people to a very small minority. The rich gets richer and the poor get poorer. That's what the purpose of government is, and unfortunately it's ultimately the peoples' fault for letting us get away with it.
Deliverer: Doesn't seem like you should be telling me this stuff. Aren't you afraid something bad might happen to you if I went out and told everyone?
Greenspan: Nope, not at all. There are thousands upon thousands of people yelling about what I'm doing, and no one's listening. The public won't pay any attention until the money completely loses its value and collapses, as all paper money does when it's not backed by gold and silver. In the meantime, I'm being celebrated as the greatest head of the Fed ever. You know what? I'm the worst. The dollar has lost 30% of its value under my watch. And even though I should be put on a horse and given a last cigarette before the horse's rump is slapped and I'm allowed to dangle, not a damn thing is doing to happen to me.
Deliverer: Damn! You've got a great job! You can be a big-time criminal if you are part of the government, violate every one of the Ten Commandments, slaughter, lie, steal -- and people praise you!
Greenspan: Yep, you got it. That should be in the Bible. (Looks pensive) Now that I think about it, it is.
Deliverer: Say, do you mind if I take one of these baskets of money?
Greenspan: Go right ahead. Not too long in the future it might take a basket of money to pay for a pizza, anyway. It happened in Germany before World War II, when the government hyperinflated the money supply to the point it was completely worthless. Everyone lost their life's savings.
Deliverer: Hey, thanks, Mr. Greenspan!
Greenspan: Don't mention it.
Deliverer: Bye, Mr. Greenspan!
Greenspan: That's what you think. What I've done to the country will be around for a long, long time.
Monsters: ARGH!
How to Deal with School Shooters
School Shooter: BLAM! BLAM ! BLAM!
Student: Ohmigod! There's a school shooter outside the door! He's going to break in and murder all of us!
Armed Student: Nah. (Whips out .45 semi-automatic pistol)
Liberal Nitwit Student: Hey! It's illegal to carry a handgun! I'm calling the police!
Armed Student: Go ahead. The 101st call isn't going to make them show up any faster.
Female Student: Shut up, you liberal moron, or I'll punch you out!
Liberal Nitwit: Okay.
Armed Student (jumping behind door): Don't anyone look at me so he won't know I'm here.
School shooter (crashing through door): Ha ha! Everyone up against the wall so I can shoot all of you! I have a pistol and enough magazines to hold 100 rounds! I'm going to shoot all of you two and three times and kill 32 of you! And the stupid liberals will blame it on the tool instead of the fool! And others will blame Stephen King because I read his novel, Rage. I'm going to get revenge on all of you for abusing, bullying and humiliating me all my life! Ha ha ha! Maybe I don't have any friends and have never had a girlfriend! Maybe I'm a virgin and have never even kissed a girl! I'll go out in a blaze of glory! You ignored me in life but you won't ignore me in death! Now up against --
Armed Student: BLAM!
Female Student (putting hands over eyes): Yuck!
Armed Student: Yeah, I know, those point-blank headshots can be pretty messy. Anyone have a dustpan? Maybe a shovel?
Liberal Nitwit: That was cold-blooded murder! He'd been horribly abused all his life by us! This whole thing is straight out of Carrie!
Female Student: Maybe so, but it's too late now to fix his particular problem! And I told you to shut up! (POW!)
Liberal Nitwit: Ow! My eye!
Student: Where're the police? We called them 45 minutes ago and they're still not here.
Armed Student: Now that this potential mass murderer is dead they'll show up. It'll be just like Columbine, where they hid until the shooting was over and everyone was dead.
Cop (bursting through the door, dressed like a ninja): Everyone on the floor with your hands on your heads!
Armed Student: The shooter is dead. He's right there in front of you.
Cop: Who shot him?!?
Armed Student: I did, with my .45. I just saved 32 lives.
Cop: On the floor! You're under arrest!
Armed Student: Is your name Richard Cranium, by any chance?
Cop: It's Officer Dim! Now all of you on the floor! All of you are under arrest!
Students (chorus): This is ridiculous! We called you people over 100 times, you show up after the guy's dead, and now you want us to get on the floor with our hands on our heads!
Cop: That's right! All of you on the floor, now!
Female student (grabbing cop's M-16 out of his hands): You're worthless! Get out of here!
The other students grab the cop and strip him of his helmet and bullet-proof vest.
Students (chorus): Get out of here! If we had depended on you dumbass cops, we'd all be dead by now!
Cop (running out of room): Mommy! They took my gun!
Student: You know, I feel a lot better now. Free, brave, like I'm not a brainwashed sheep anymore!
Armed Student: That's the spirit! Like Thucydides said: "Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave." You can't be brave unless you're free!
Student: I never thought of that! And it's so simple!
Female Student: Yay for armed students!
Student: And disarmed fake cops!
Armed Student: And yay for Americans! And how Americans are supposed to act!
Student: Ohmigod! There's a school shooter outside the door! He's going to break in and murder all of us!
Armed Student: Nah. (Whips out .45 semi-automatic pistol)
Liberal Nitwit Student: Hey! It's illegal to carry a handgun! I'm calling the police!
Armed Student: Go ahead. The 101st call isn't going to make them show up any faster.
Female Student: Shut up, you liberal moron, or I'll punch you out!
Liberal Nitwit: Okay.
Armed Student (jumping behind door): Don't anyone look at me so he won't know I'm here.
School shooter (crashing through door): Ha ha! Everyone up against the wall so I can shoot all of you! I have a pistol and enough magazines to hold 100 rounds! I'm going to shoot all of you two and three times and kill 32 of you! And the stupid liberals will blame it on the tool instead of the fool! And others will blame Stephen King because I read his novel, Rage. I'm going to get revenge on all of you for abusing, bullying and humiliating me all my life! Ha ha ha! Maybe I don't have any friends and have never had a girlfriend! Maybe I'm a virgin and have never even kissed a girl! I'll go out in a blaze of glory! You ignored me in life but you won't ignore me in death! Now up against --
Armed Student: BLAM!
Female Student (putting hands over eyes): Yuck!
Armed Student: Yeah, I know, those point-blank headshots can be pretty messy. Anyone have a dustpan? Maybe a shovel?
Liberal Nitwit: That was cold-blooded murder! He'd been horribly abused all his life by us! This whole thing is straight out of Carrie!
Female Student: Maybe so, but it's too late now to fix his particular problem! And I told you to shut up! (POW!)
Liberal Nitwit: Ow! My eye!
Student: Where're the police? We called them 45 minutes ago and they're still not here.
Armed Student: Now that this potential mass murderer is dead they'll show up. It'll be just like Columbine, where they hid until the shooting was over and everyone was dead.
Cop (bursting through the door, dressed like a ninja): Everyone on the floor with your hands on your heads!
Armed Student: The shooter is dead. He's right there in front of you.
Cop: Who shot him?!?
Armed Student: I did, with my .45. I just saved 32 lives.
Cop: On the floor! You're under arrest!
Armed Student: Is your name Richard Cranium, by any chance?
Cop: It's Officer Dim! Now all of you on the floor! All of you are under arrest!
Students (chorus): This is ridiculous! We called you people over 100 times, you show up after the guy's dead, and now you want us to get on the floor with our hands on our heads!
Cop: That's right! All of you on the floor, now!
Female student (grabbing cop's M-16 out of his hands): You're worthless! Get out of here!
The other students grab the cop and strip him of his helmet and bullet-proof vest.
Students (chorus): Get out of here! If we had depended on you dumbass cops, we'd all be dead by now!
Cop (running out of room): Mommy! They took my gun!
Student: You know, I feel a lot better now. Free, brave, like I'm not a brainwashed sheep anymore!
Armed Student: That's the spirit! Like Thucydides said: "Be convinced that to be happy means to be free and that to be free means to be brave." You can't be brave unless you're free!
Student: I never thought of that! And it's so simple!
Female Student: Yay for armed students!
Student: And disarmed fake cops!
Armed Student: And yay for Americans! And how Americans are supposed to act!
Invasion of the Do-gooders
The Scene: a Restaurant and the Street Outside.
Customer: I'll have a 16-ounce sirloin steak, medium-well, cauliflower with a cheese sauce, a baked potato with sour cream, and a half a bottle of Kabinett.
Waiter (apologetically): Sorry, sir, but this morning the government has deemed those substances harmful, so we can no longer serve them. They're illegal.
Customer: Oh, good Lord! You've got to be kidding! This is a joke, right?
Waiter: Sorry, but it's the law.
Customer: What do you have, then? (Looks down at menu.) Yikes! This is horrible! Raw carrots? Decaffeinated herbal tea? Zucchini?!? BLECH!
Waiter: The government is here to protect us, sir.
Customer: It's not here to help me; it's here to harm me! (Gets up and stomps out.)
Cop (passing by man outside): Wait a minute! My Sooper-Dooper Advanced Nanny-State Snooper is indicating you have tobacco on you!
Customer: What?!?!
Cop: In your inside coat pocket you have a Romeo y Juliet cigar! Hand it over!
Customer: Since when is it any of your business if I have a cigar, you dumb flatfoot? And what's with the fangs?
Cop: New implanted fangs! Intimidation and control! And don't call me dumb, or I'll Tazer you! My name is Officer Dim!
Customer: I'll bet it is! Since when is tobacco illegal?
Cop: Since this morning!
Customer: You cannot pass a law and expect people to know about it an hour later. This is none of your business, anyway, and none of this is right!
Cop: The law has nothing to do with right or wrong! The cops are here to take your money--er, I mean enforce the law, no matter no stupid it is! How hand the cigar over, or I'll shoot you and claim I thought your cell-phone was a pistol!
Customer: I don't have a cell-phone.
Cop: You'll have one after I shoot you and put it in your hand!
Customer (handing over cigar): Peace officer, hah! What in the world is this country coming to? I thought America was supposed to be about freedom! Now the government is telling us, we'll take your liberty, torture you, and that'll make you'll be safe and happy!
Bureaucrat (passing by man): Let me see your prescriptions!
Customer: What prescriptions?!?
Bureaucrat: The government has determined that everyone is mentally ill and needs to take anti-depressants and ant-anxiety prescription drugs! Now let me see your prescriptions!
Customer: Let me guess. Passed this morning, right?
Bureaucrat: That's right! Now hand over your prescriptions!
Customer: Since the law was just passed this morning, I didn't know anything about it, so I don't have any prescriptions! And I don't need them, or want them!
Bureaucrat: The government will be the judge of what's best for you! We own you, you know! Now open up! (produces funnel).
Customer: This is outrageous! This is insane! This place has become a madhouse!
Bureaucrat: In she goes!
Customer: Erk! Ack! GACK!
Bureaucrat: See? Yay for the government! Now we've made you happy!
Customer: Ptooey!
Customer: I'll have a 16-ounce sirloin steak, medium-well, cauliflower with a cheese sauce, a baked potato with sour cream, and a half a bottle of Kabinett.
Waiter (apologetically): Sorry, sir, but this morning the government has deemed those substances harmful, so we can no longer serve them. They're illegal.
Customer: Oh, good Lord! You've got to be kidding! This is a joke, right?
Waiter: Sorry, but it's the law.
Customer: What do you have, then? (Looks down at menu.) Yikes! This is horrible! Raw carrots? Decaffeinated herbal tea? Zucchini?!? BLECH!
Waiter: The government is here to protect us, sir.
Customer: It's not here to help me; it's here to harm me! (Gets up and stomps out.)
Cop (passing by man outside): Wait a minute! My Sooper-Dooper Advanced Nanny-State Snooper is indicating you have tobacco on you!
Customer: What?!?!
Cop: In your inside coat pocket you have a Romeo y Juliet cigar! Hand it over!
Customer: Since when is it any of your business if I have a cigar, you dumb flatfoot? And what's with the fangs?
Cop: New implanted fangs! Intimidation and control! And don't call me dumb, or I'll Tazer you! My name is Officer Dim!
Customer: I'll bet it is! Since when is tobacco illegal?
Cop: Since this morning!
Customer: You cannot pass a law and expect people to know about it an hour later. This is none of your business, anyway, and none of this is right!
Cop: The law has nothing to do with right or wrong! The cops are here to take your money--er, I mean enforce the law, no matter no stupid it is! How hand the cigar over, or I'll shoot you and claim I thought your cell-phone was a pistol!
Customer: I don't have a cell-phone.
Cop: You'll have one after I shoot you and put it in your hand!
Customer (handing over cigar): Peace officer, hah! What in the world is this country coming to? I thought America was supposed to be about freedom! Now the government is telling us, we'll take your liberty, torture you, and that'll make you'll be safe and happy!
Bureaucrat (passing by man): Let me see your prescriptions!
Customer: What prescriptions?!?
Bureaucrat: The government has determined that everyone is mentally ill and needs to take anti-depressants and ant-anxiety prescription drugs! Now let me see your prescriptions!
Customer: Let me guess. Passed this morning, right?
Bureaucrat: That's right! Now hand over your prescriptions!
Customer: Since the law was just passed this morning, I didn't know anything about it, so I don't have any prescriptions! And I don't need them, or want them!
Bureaucrat: The government will be the judge of what's best for you! We own you, you know! Now open up! (produces funnel).
Customer: This is outrageous! This is insane! This place has become a madhouse!
Bureaucrat: In she goes!
Customer: Erk! Ack! GACK!
Bureaucrat: See? Yay for the government! Now we've made you happy!
Customer: Ptooey!
The Time Traveller
CHARACTERS: The Time Traveler, The Time Machine, a Nine-Year-Old Git
Time Machine: POOF!
Git: Hey! What the Hell are you doing in my room! I'm going to tell my dad!
Time Traveler: Is your name George?
Git: Yeah, it is. So what? I'm going to tell my dad you're in my room and he'll have you killed. Then I'll laugh at you when you die because you'll say 'Please don't kill me! Please don't kill me!' Ha ha! I am so funny!
Traveler: Don't you want to know why I'm here!
Git: No. I'm very incurious, you know.
Traveler: I'm from the year 2007, when you're grown-up and President of the United States.
Git: Hell, I already know I'm going to be President, you retard.
Traveler: You really are an obnoxious little git.
Git: What's a git?
Traveler: It's what you are. Your dad's one, too. And your grandpa.
Git: Oh, a git! I know what you mean!
Traveler: Do you know what you're going to do when you're President?
Git: Oh, I dunno. Start wars, probably. I like wars. See my little green army men, on the floor? Thousands of them, and I cut off lots of their arms and legs and took chunks out of their heads with my scissors. It's fun! Want to try it?
Traveler: No, thanks.
Git: Wuss.
Traveler: Nazi.
Git: What's that?
Traveler: It's what your grandpa was.
Git: Oh, yeah, I know what you mean! That's how we got all our money, from Grandpa dealing with the Nazis. He got in trouble, but he got out of it because we're better than everyone else, like we're better than all that cannon fodder in Flyover Land.
Traveler: What's with the cowboy hat?
Git: I'm pretending to be a cowboy instead of a Connecticut Yankee. Got to fool all the rubes. They're stupid, you know.
Traveler: Unfortunately, some of them are.
Git: You bet! And I'm going to rule them someday and get rid of the Constitution, which is just a goddamned piece of paper I don't want thrown in my face!
Traveler: Say, George, do you like booze!
Git: You bet I do! I like to drink because I can't measure up to my dad! That's why I'll start wars someday, to impress him because I'm such a loser!
Traveler: There's a bottle of whiskey on the ledge behind you.
Git: (whirling around): Really? Where?
Traveler: Right here!
Git: Hey, you just kicked me out the window! We're on the 20th floor! Daddddyyyyy!
Traveler: Goodbye, you little jerk. I just made it a better world.
The Time Machine: POOF!
Time Machine: POOF!
Git: Hey! What the Hell are you doing in my room! I'm going to tell my dad!
Time Traveler: Is your name George?
Git: Yeah, it is. So what? I'm going to tell my dad you're in my room and he'll have you killed. Then I'll laugh at you when you die because you'll say 'Please don't kill me! Please don't kill me!' Ha ha! I am so funny!
Traveler: Don't you want to know why I'm here!
Git: No. I'm very incurious, you know.
Traveler: I'm from the year 2007, when you're grown-up and President of the United States.
Git: Hell, I already know I'm going to be President, you retard.
Traveler: You really are an obnoxious little git.
Git: What's a git?
Traveler: It's what you are. Your dad's one, too. And your grandpa.
Git: Oh, a git! I know what you mean!
Traveler: Do you know what you're going to do when you're President?
Git: Oh, I dunno. Start wars, probably. I like wars. See my little green army men, on the floor? Thousands of them, and I cut off lots of their arms and legs and took chunks out of their heads with my scissors. It's fun! Want to try it?
Traveler: No, thanks.
Git: Wuss.
Traveler: Nazi.
Git: What's that?
Traveler: It's what your grandpa was.
Git: Oh, yeah, I know what you mean! That's how we got all our money, from Grandpa dealing with the Nazis. He got in trouble, but he got out of it because we're better than everyone else, like we're better than all that cannon fodder in Flyover Land.
Traveler: What's with the cowboy hat?
Git: I'm pretending to be a cowboy instead of a Connecticut Yankee. Got to fool all the rubes. They're stupid, you know.
Traveler: Unfortunately, some of them are.
Git: You bet! And I'm going to rule them someday and get rid of the Constitution, which is just a goddamned piece of paper I don't want thrown in my face!
Traveler: Say, George, do you like booze!
Git: You bet I do! I like to drink because I can't measure up to my dad! That's why I'll start wars someday, to impress him because I'm such a loser!
Traveler: There's a bottle of whiskey on the ledge behind you.
Git: (whirling around): Really? Where?
Traveler: Right here!
Git: Hey, you just kicked me out the window! We're on the 20th floor! Daddddyyyyy!
Traveler: Goodbye, you little jerk. I just made it a better world.
The Time Machine: POOF!
Al Beaverda, Terrorist Mastermind
Authorities today said they had arrested two young members of Al Qaeda who had been planning what they claimed was "the worst terror plot we have ever encountered."
Arrested at the Mayfield (Ohio) Grammar School were two eight-year-olds, Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver, and Lawrence "Larry" Mondello. Also confiscated were what government authorities said were detailed plans and blueprints to attack the United States with Little Green Army Men ordered from the backs of comic books, Aurora/Revell/Monogram tanks, airplanes, and spaceships, dirt-clod meteorites and what appeared to be an army of highly intelligent and exceptionally unpleasant alien chickens from Venus.
"If this plot had gone though, hundreds of millions of Americans would have been killed," said Generalissimo Barney Fife, head of Homeland Security. "It was the worst terror plot in the history of the universe! In all of time and space!
"We think Cleaver's real name is Al Beaverda" he continued, "and he's as purely dangerous and more clever than Artemis Fowl, who to this day we still can't seem to catch."
"This is really dumb," said Beaver Cleaver. "Larry and I were drawing pictures on sheets of paper when we were in class, and that snitch Judy called the police and said we were involved in a terror plot. 'Mister Fife, Mister Fife, Beaver and Larry are plotting a terror attack!' Speed-dialed Homeland Security right from her cellphone when she was in class."
"That's right," echoed Larry Mondello. "We were just drawing spaceships and other stuff, and also some aliens that maybe looked like chickens, I guess. Next thing I know a SWAT team comes in and throws us on the floor and beats on our heads with rifle butts. I'm still dizzy. We didn't do nuthin'. Is it against the law to draw pictures anymore?"
Also arrested was Gus the Fireman, who yelled at police and called them "a bunch of darn morons who couldn't find their butts with both hands and someone directing them with a pointer."
"They shot me in the forehead with one of those Tazers," said the 85-year-old Gus. "My ticker just about stopped right there. It was worse than when I was in the Gulag back in '42, and those Russkie Bolsheviks wired my 'nads up to one of those Westinghouse telephone generators and called home a bunch of times. Nazis my butt. Those Bolsheviks were ten times as bad.
"Damn, and looks like I'm heading back to the Gulag again, only time it's in Guantanamo Bay."
A local newspaper columnist, H.L. Mencken, had this is say about the accusations against the two boys: "The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. "
"I don't exactly understand what he means, being that I'm a bureaucrat and have never had an original thought in my life" said Generalissimo Fife, "but I know a serious terror plot when I see it, and this was the most serious one I have ever run across. Admittedly all the rest of those terror plots were entrapments in which we sent in people to get those morons to run their mouths, and there was no way some numbnuts baggage handler could blow up pipelines or some pizza deliverer shoot up an Army base, but by heck, now we're got a real live terror plot! And a couple of terrorists who make Osama bin Laden look like an amatuer!
"It's a good thing we nipped it in the bud."
Both boys were transferred to Guantanamo Bay while strapped to dollies like Hannibal Lecter. No charges are expected to be filed, ever. Both are considered to be illegal enemy combatants, since they were not in uniform.
"They'll be released when the war is over," said Fife. "It should in about 20 years, once we make the Middle East safe for Israel, secure our oil supplies, impose the American hegemon on them, and lose about 20,000 American dead with 100,000 wounded . Oops, did I say that? I meant impose democracy and freedom on them."
Arrested at the Mayfield (Ohio) Grammar School were two eight-year-olds, Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver, and Lawrence "Larry" Mondello. Also confiscated were what government authorities said were detailed plans and blueprints to attack the United States with Little Green Army Men ordered from the backs of comic books, Aurora/Revell/Monogram tanks, airplanes, and spaceships, dirt-clod meteorites and what appeared to be an army of highly intelligent and exceptionally unpleasant alien chickens from Venus.
"If this plot had gone though, hundreds of millions of Americans would have been killed," said Generalissimo Barney Fife, head of Homeland Security. "It was the worst terror plot in the history of the universe! In all of time and space!
"We think Cleaver's real name is Al Beaverda" he continued, "and he's as purely dangerous and more clever than Artemis Fowl, who to this day we still can't seem to catch."
"This is really dumb," said Beaver Cleaver. "Larry and I were drawing pictures on sheets of paper when we were in class, and that snitch Judy called the police and said we were involved in a terror plot. 'Mister Fife, Mister Fife, Beaver and Larry are plotting a terror attack!' Speed-dialed Homeland Security right from her cellphone when she was in class."
"That's right," echoed Larry Mondello. "We were just drawing spaceships and other stuff, and also some aliens that maybe looked like chickens, I guess. Next thing I know a SWAT team comes in and throws us on the floor and beats on our heads with rifle butts. I'm still dizzy. We didn't do nuthin'. Is it against the law to draw pictures anymore?"
Also arrested was Gus the Fireman, who yelled at police and called them "a bunch of darn morons who couldn't find their butts with both hands and someone directing them with a pointer."
"They shot me in the forehead with one of those Tazers," said the 85-year-old Gus. "My ticker just about stopped right there. It was worse than when I was in the Gulag back in '42, and those Russkie Bolsheviks wired my 'nads up to one of those Westinghouse telephone generators and called home a bunch of times. Nazis my butt. Those Bolsheviks were ten times as bad.
"Damn, and looks like I'm heading back to the Gulag again, only time it's in Guantanamo Bay."
A local newspaper columnist, H.L. Mencken, had this is say about the accusations against the two boys: "The whole aim of practical politics is to keep the populace alarmed (and hence clamorous to be led to safety) by menacing it with an endless series of hobgoblins, all of them imaginary. "
"I don't exactly understand what he means, being that I'm a bureaucrat and have never had an original thought in my life" said Generalissimo Fife, "but I know a serious terror plot when I see it, and this was the most serious one I have ever run across. Admittedly all the rest of those terror plots were entrapments in which we sent in people to get those morons to run their mouths, and there was no way some numbnuts baggage handler could blow up pipelines or some pizza deliverer shoot up an Army base, but by heck, now we're got a real live terror plot! And a couple of terrorists who make Osama bin Laden look like an amatuer!
"It's a good thing we nipped it in the bud."
Both boys were transferred to Guantanamo Bay while strapped to dollies like Hannibal Lecter. No charges are expected to be filed, ever. Both are considered to be illegal enemy combatants, since they were not in uniform.
"They'll be released when the war is over," said Fife. "It should in about 20 years, once we make the Middle East safe for Israel, secure our oil supplies, impose the American hegemon on them, and lose about 20,000 American dead with 100,000 wounded . Oops, did I say that? I meant impose democracy and freedom on them."
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