WASHINGTON, DC – An airport screener was arrested today for being a former Nazi leader during World War II.
Adolph Schickelgruber, age unknown, was arrested at his Washington, DC, apartment without incident by detectives from the Secure Transportation and Safety Initiative (STASI).
"He didn’t give us any problems," said Captain Ernst Rohm, head of the Washington, DC, unit of STASI and also president of NAMBLA. "He was just muttering how he had finally found a job that fit him perfectly, and how we were messing it up." Sources said that Schickelgruber, originally from Austria, was a Nazi leader in Germany during World War II. Apparently he disappeared after the war’s end, and somehow made his way to America, where he has since worked for the federal government in various capacities.
He was hired as an airport screener about a year ago. "He was our best worker," said the head of security at the airport. "He was a real go-getter, always searching everyone head to toe. He really enjoyed his work. He was the perfect employee for working at the airports, always following orders without asking any questions. In fact, I think he was the perfect employee for the federal government."
Schickelgruber fell under suspicion for what Rohm termed "odd behavior." He said that Schickelgruber, after a particularly thorough search, would "put his left index finger under his nose, raise his right arm out at a 45-degree angle, and click his heels together while marching around in circles and shouting ‘Seig Heil!’ After he did this several thousand times we began to suspect there was something funny about him."
When asked if Schickelgruber had any complaints filed against him by passengers, Rohm replied, "Oh sure. He had thousands -- biting his nails all the time, sucking his fingers, farting in public, asking women to crap on him. But so what? These are the airports, and we have to give up a few liberties to make sure we are safe, right? I mean, we have to make sure pregnant women are really pregnant and aren’t carrying bombs, and that 80-year-old women in wheelchairs don’t have guns packed in any of their orifices. Of course we have to let Arabs and Muslims walk through without being searched, since that would be ethnic profiling."
Two of the most significant complaints involved Schickelgruber trying to strangle a man with piano wire, and shooting a woman in the foot with a 9mm Luger. "However, we decided he acted appropriately under the circumstances," said Rohm. "The passengers were complaining about their treatment, which they have no right to do. Actually, they have no rights at all."
After being alerted by Schickelgruber’s odd behavior, STASI did a thorough background check of him and found that he had been an illegal alien for the past 56 years. "Since he wasn’t Mexican, we had to arrest him," said Rohm.
A search of Schickelgruber’s apartment turned up stolen art supplies, several thousand dollars worth of amphetamines, several hundred pounds of chocolates, an autographed picture of Chuck Berry, and over a thousand handwritten pages of his diary, which was titled, "My Struggle." "Pretty good book, actually," said Rohm. "We found a lot of good advice in it for running the airports, and are looking at how to apply it to the rest of the New America. I can see now why Schickelgruber was such a good employee."
According to sources which asked to remain anonymous, Schickelgruber was released on his own recognizance. "I doubt we’re going to charge him with anything," said one official. "The rules that apply to average citizens don’t apply to the federal government, you now. And, hey, what he did was a long time ago. We should let bygones be bygones.
"Besides, we need him to train our new airport workers."
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