Ralph: Dum de dum dum, dum de dum dum.
Sam: Hey Ralph, look at all this stuff lying all over the sidewalk.
Ralph: Weird…clothes, shoes, socks, keys, wallets…some guy’s dental fillings…a glass eye… an artificial foot…somebody’s heart transplant flopping around in the street…a busted-open suitcase full of martial aids…what is going on here?
Sam: Maybe it’s the Rapture. I heard about it from some guys used to go to tent revival meetings, fall over backwards and start twitching and babbling. One even told me his cowboy boots flew off.
Ralph: Yeah, speaking in tongues and “getting saved.” Hillbilly kitsch.
Sam: Look, a brand-new Lamborghini!
Ralph: What’s this in the front seat…a $2000 custom-made suit, a toupee with a three-inch pompadour…wallet full of credit cards…we hit the jackpot! It is the Rapture, and now we get all this stuff!
Sam: What ID is in the wallet?
Ralph: Reverend Billy Joe Bob Hargis. Look what else is here…a gross of cute little multi-colored condoms, a notebook with dozens of call girls’ telephone numbers, some amyl nitrate, a copy of “Gay Boy Toys” magazine with the pages stuck together….
Sam: I remember reading about this guy’s house in the newspaper. Cost $20 million, a pool, helicopter, all the trimmings.
Ralph: Damn! And now it’s ours! Hot diggity dog!
Sam: I heard he’s got a safe in his house with millions of dollars in contributions he never reported to the government.
Ralph: The sheeple sure are suckers.
Sam: Buncha brain-dead zombies who believe in Jesus-the-Terminator, who’s going to bring slaughter and destruction to the world because they think that’s how he’s going to save it. That’s Christian?
Ralph: I always remember Jesus putting down the corrupt and the hypocritical and the greedy and the perverted. Ah, forget them nuts, they’re all gone now. Think of all the porn and guns and booze I’ve heard this riff-raff has in his mansion! Not to mention his collection of women’s underwear!
Sam: You know those Evangelical preachers. Either they’ve got videos of themselves with two 12-year-old blonde girls, or else it’s meth and man
ass.
Ralph: This is great! God really did take those crap-for-brains fundies, the ones trying to return us to the 13th Century. Thank you, God, even if you never did get me the pony and flame thrower I wanted for Christmas!
Sam: Fanatics of whatever religion, they’ve done nothing but impede progress. All think they’re right and anyone who disagrees with them is evil. Especially when they get political power, that’s a sure-fire recipe for disaster. And that’s with a capital D.
Ralph: Yep. Religion, politics and war – the three legs of Satan that he uses to walk to and fro and up and down in the world.
Sam: Dibs on the driver’s seat! Vroom!
Reverend Billy Joe Bob Hargis: You call this the Rapture?
Satan: For those left behind it is. You want an ice cube?
Saturday, March 5, 2011
The Wannabe Ninjas
The time: right about now. The location: these days, just about any place in the United States. The characters: an accountant, a Chevy Cavalier, a poodle, and several police dressed completely in black, just like ninjas in a cheap kung fu film.
Wannabe Ninjas: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Accountant (getting out of car): What the heck is this? (He looks down and counts all the holes in him.) You idiots just shot me 54 times! I'm not going to survive this, you know! And I've got a wife and two young daughters!
Head Wannabe Ninja: You're a drug dealer!
Accountant: I am not! I'm an accountant! See the horn-rimmed glasses, the pocket protector and the tidy little mustache? You've got the wrong guy!
Assistant Wannabe Ninja (whispering to Head Wannabe): He's right. We're in the wrong neighborhood. Hell, we're in the wrong city!
Head Wannabe: Doesn't matter. I say he's a drug dealer and that's all that counts. None of you guys worry; nothing's going to happen to us. We're cops and we're above the law.
Accountant (looking in car): You shot my poodle.
Head Wannabe: He tried to attack us.
Accountant: Seventeen years old, blind and toothless? I don't think so.
Head Wannabe: I say he tried to attack us! What do you guys say?
Wannabes: We all have toothmarks!
Accountant: Look at all the holes in my car!
Head Wannabe: You tried to run us over.
Accountant: The car's broke! I was waiting for a tow truck!
Head Wannabe: I say you tried to run us over. What do you guys say?
Wannabes: Look at the tire marks all over us!
Accountant: You guys are a joke! Where's your warrant?
Head Wannabe: Warrant? We ain't got no warrant! We don't need no warrant! We don't have to show you no steenkin' warrant!
Accountant: Let me see your badges!
Head Wannabe: (BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!) We don't need no steenkin' badges either!
Accountant: Ack! Gack! (topples over, exits)
Assistant Wannabe: He's dead, Jim. What are we supposed to do now?
Head Wannabe: Cuff him! Can't take any chances even if he is dead! It's the rules!
Assistant Wannabe: What about this dead dog?
Head Wannabe: Cuff all three parts of him.
Assistant Wannabe: Think we should put a gun in his hand to make it look like a good shoot?
Head Wannabe: Naw. Ain't nothing going to happen to us anyway. Why waste a good throw-down?
Assistant Wannabe: Think we should at least put drugs in his car? I mean, he was innocent, you know. We might get into a ittle trouble here.
Head Wannabe: Nope, don't worry about anything. Nothing's going to happen to us as long as we say he tried to run us down, or we thought his cellphone was a gun, or he made some kind of threatening move like blinking an eye.
Assistant Wannabe: God, I love the War on Drugs!
Head Wannabe: Me too! Hey guys, isn't this great!
All the Wannabes: (firing machine-guns into the air like a gang of drunken Mexican bandits): Yay!
Wannabe Ninjas: BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Accountant (getting out of car): What the heck is this? (He looks down and counts all the holes in him.) You idiots just shot me 54 times! I'm not going to survive this, you know! And I've got a wife and two young daughters!
Head Wannabe Ninja: You're a drug dealer!
Accountant: I am not! I'm an accountant! See the horn-rimmed glasses, the pocket protector and the tidy little mustache? You've got the wrong guy!
Assistant Wannabe Ninja (whispering to Head Wannabe): He's right. We're in the wrong neighborhood. Hell, we're in the wrong city!
Head Wannabe: Doesn't matter. I say he's a drug dealer and that's all that counts. None of you guys worry; nothing's going to happen to us. We're cops and we're above the law.
Accountant (looking in car): You shot my poodle.
Head Wannabe: He tried to attack us.
Accountant: Seventeen years old, blind and toothless? I don't think so.
Head Wannabe: I say he tried to attack us! What do you guys say?
Wannabes: We all have toothmarks!
Accountant: Look at all the holes in my car!
Head Wannabe: You tried to run us over.
Accountant: The car's broke! I was waiting for a tow truck!
Head Wannabe: I say you tried to run us over. What do you guys say?
Wannabes: Look at the tire marks all over us!
Accountant: You guys are a joke! Where's your warrant?
Head Wannabe: Warrant? We ain't got no warrant! We don't need no warrant! We don't have to show you no steenkin' warrant!
Accountant: Let me see your badges!
Head Wannabe: (BLAM! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!) We don't need no steenkin' badges either!
Accountant: Ack! Gack! (topples over, exits)
Assistant Wannabe: He's dead, Jim. What are we supposed to do now?
Head Wannabe: Cuff him! Can't take any chances even if he is dead! It's the rules!
Assistant Wannabe: What about this dead dog?
Head Wannabe: Cuff all three parts of him.
Assistant Wannabe: Think we should put a gun in his hand to make it look like a good shoot?
Head Wannabe: Naw. Ain't nothing going to happen to us anyway. Why waste a good throw-down?
Assistant Wannabe: Think we should at least put drugs in his car? I mean, he was innocent, you know. We might get into a ittle trouble here.
Head Wannabe: Nope, don't worry about anything. Nothing's going to happen to us as long as we say he tried to run us down, or we thought his cellphone was a gun, or he made some kind of threatening move like blinking an eye.
Assistant Wannabe: God, I love the War on Drugs!
Head Wannabe: Me too! Hey guys, isn't this great!
All the Wannabes: (firing machine-guns into the air like a gang of drunken Mexican bandits): Yay!
Yay! for Fido
The year: 2084.
The place: any city in the USA.
Characters: Father, Daughter, Baby, Fido and a Few Shadowy Characters.
Father parks his 1986 Yugo at a curb and exits the vehicle with Daughter, Baby, and Fido the Chihuahua.
Police Officer (emerging from the shadows. He is a clone, as all the police are in 2084. He has a narrow head and squinty lop-sided eyes and bears strong resemblance to George Bush): Hold it right there!
Father: What? What did I do?
Officer: I have to search all of you and the car for a bomb! It's a new Global UN law passed this morning.
Father: I haven't heard a thing about it.
Officer: That's not my problem. I have a job to do and orders to follow.
Father: Orders to follow, huh? (He places his left forefinger under his nose, shoots out his right arm at a 45% angle, and goosesteps in circles.) Sieg Heil! Actung! Verboten!
Officer: Huh?
Father: Adolph Hitler? Nazis?
Officer: Huh?
Father: Forget it. I'm a comedian practicing a comedy routine.
Officer: Whatever.
A police van screeches around a corner. It stops and four police officers jump out. They remove the tires from the Yugo, place the car on concrete blocks, put the tires in the van and screech away.
Father: What was that about?
Officer: We have to search your tires for bombs.
Father: Those are brand-new tires! They might even have rubber in them! It took me a year to save for them! The economy's been bad for 80 years, you know, what with the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Syria, Sudan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and all those other places I can't remember! I think you guys just stole my tires!
Officer: Complain to the government.
Father: This is outrageous!
Officer: I'm just keeping the country safe. (He squints at Baby.) There could be a bomb in that baby!
Father: Sure.
Officer: I have to check. (He grabs Baby and prys open its mouth.) You got a bomb in there?
Baby: Gaga googoo.
Officer (upending Baby and shaking it up and down): Cough it up!
Baby: Wah!
Officer: I guess you're okay. (Hands Baby back to Father.)
Baby (glaring at Officer): Pfffttt!
Father: Baby!
Baby: Gaga googoo!
Officer (squinting at Fido): There could be a bomb in that dog!
Father: It's a Chihuahua!
Officer: Plenty of room for a bomb. He needs a body-cavity search!
Fido: Yikes!
Father: This is ridiculous! It's insa -
Daughter: Daddy!! Look at what the bad man is doing to Fido!
Father (placing his hands over Daughter's eyes): Don't look, honey!
Fido: (eyes bugging out like poached eggs) URK!!
Officer: Dang! (shakes hand) He's stuck!
Fido: (bouncing up and down like a yo-yo) YEOW!
Officer (shaking hand harder) There he goes! (Fido does a somersault through the air and lands in Daughter's arms.)
Fido (glaring at the Officer): Grrr! GRRR! GRRR!!
A man walks by wearing a three-foot tall turban. There is a loud ticking sound coming from it.
Father: Did you see that? I think he's got a bomb in his turban!
Officer: Since when are you a trained police officer?
The man rounds the corner. Seconds later there is a gigantic explosion. An axle with two tires on it lands in the street.
Father: Look! Two tires! Can I have them?
Officer: Don't get smart.
Father: Can we go now?
Officer: I guess. You better watch yourself. And the dog, too. He better watch himself...or you...er...you know what I mean.
Father, Daughter, Baby and Fido cross the street. Fido is walking upright on his front paws like a circus acrobat.
Fido: Ow! Ow! Ow!
All step onto the curb across the street. An Officer appears from the shadows.
Officer: Stop right there!
Father: What now?
Officer: I have to search all of you!
Father: The guy across the street just searched us!
Officer: He's Homeland Security for the south side of the street! I'm Homeland Security for the north side!
Father (putting hands on head): It's a madhouse!
Officer: Huh?
Father: Charleton Heston? Planet of the Apes?
Officer: Huh?
Father: Forget it. I'm a comedian practicing a comedy routine.
Officer (squinting eyes): The dog's first!
Fido: ARRRGGGH!
Officer: What the -- yikes! Oh no! Wait, stop! Help! HELP! HELLLPPPP!!!!"
Father: Wow! I didn't know he could do that!
Daughter: Yay for Fido!
Fido: Burp.
The place: any city in the USA.
Characters: Father, Daughter, Baby, Fido and a Few Shadowy Characters.
Father parks his 1986 Yugo at a curb and exits the vehicle with Daughter, Baby, and Fido the Chihuahua.
Police Officer (emerging from the shadows. He is a clone, as all the police are in 2084. He has a narrow head and squinty lop-sided eyes and bears strong resemblance to George Bush): Hold it right there!
Father: What? What did I do?
Officer: I have to search all of you and the car for a bomb! It's a new Global UN law passed this morning.
Father: I haven't heard a thing about it.
Officer: That's not my problem. I have a job to do and orders to follow.
Father: Orders to follow, huh? (He places his left forefinger under his nose, shoots out his right arm at a 45% angle, and goosesteps in circles.) Sieg Heil! Actung! Verboten!
Officer: Huh?
Father: Adolph Hitler? Nazis?
Officer: Huh?
Father: Forget it. I'm a comedian practicing a comedy routine.
Officer: Whatever.
A police van screeches around a corner. It stops and four police officers jump out. They remove the tires from the Yugo, place the car on concrete blocks, put the tires in the van and screech away.
Father: What was that about?
Officer: We have to search your tires for bombs.
Father: Those are brand-new tires! They might even have rubber in them! It took me a year to save for them! The economy's been bad for 80 years, you know, what with the wars in Afghanistan, Iraq, Iran, Syria, Sudan, Egypt, Saudi Arabia and all those other places I can't remember! I think you guys just stole my tires!
Officer: Complain to the government.
Father: This is outrageous!
Officer: I'm just keeping the country safe. (He squints at Baby.) There could be a bomb in that baby!
Father: Sure.
Officer: I have to check. (He grabs Baby and prys open its mouth.) You got a bomb in there?
Baby: Gaga googoo.
Officer (upending Baby and shaking it up and down): Cough it up!
Baby: Wah!
Officer: I guess you're okay. (Hands Baby back to Father.)
Baby (glaring at Officer): Pfffttt!
Father: Baby!
Baby: Gaga googoo!
Officer (squinting at Fido): There could be a bomb in that dog!
Father: It's a Chihuahua!
Officer: Plenty of room for a bomb. He needs a body-cavity search!
Fido: Yikes!
Father: This is ridiculous! It's insa -
Daughter: Daddy!! Look at what the bad man is doing to Fido!
Father (placing his hands over Daughter's eyes): Don't look, honey!
Fido: (eyes bugging out like poached eggs) URK!!
Officer: Dang! (shakes hand) He's stuck!
Fido: (bouncing up and down like a yo-yo) YEOW!
Officer (shaking hand harder) There he goes! (Fido does a somersault through the air and lands in Daughter's arms.)
Fido (glaring at the Officer): Grrr! GRRR! GRRR!!
A man walks by wearing a three-foot tall turban. There is a loud ticking sound coming from it.
Father: Did you see that? I think he's got a bomb in his turban!
Officer: Since when are you a trained police officer?
The man rounds the corner. Seconds later there is a gigantic explosion. An axle with two tires on it lands in the street.
Father: Look! Two tires! Can I have them?
Officer: Don't get smart.
Father: Can we go now?
Officer: I guess. You better watch yourself. And the dog, too. He better watch himself...or you...er...you know what I mean.
Father, Daughter, Baby and Fido cross the street. Fido is walking upright on his front paws like a circus acrobat.
Fido: Ow! Ow! Ow!
All step onto the curb across the street. An Officer appears from the shadows.
Officer: Stop right there!
Father: What now?
Officer: I have to search all of you!
Father: The guy across the street just searched us!
Officer: He's Homeland Security for the south side of the street! I'm Homeland Security for the north side!
Father (putting hands on head): It's a madhouse!
Officer: Huh?
Father: Charleton Heston? Planet of the Apes?
Officer: Huh?
Father: Forget it. I'm a comedian practicing a comedy routine.
Officer (squinting eyes): The dog's first!
Fido: ARRRGGGH!
Officer: What the -- yikes! Oh no! Wait, stop! Help! HELP! HELLLPPPP!!!!"
Father: Wow! I didn't know he could do that!
Daughter: Yay for Fido!
Fido: Burp.
Stormtroopers of the Empire
Stormtroopers: CRASH! BAM! POW! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Achmed: Hey, what the heck is going on here?! Look at all those holes you put in the walls!
Stormtrooper #1: They match the other ones put here before! Now get on the floor! We're here to liberate you!
Achmed: You almost shot all my kids! Look at the part you put in that one's hair!
Stormtrooper #2: Collateral damage! Doesn't mean a thing!
Achmed: Can't you guys knock?
Stormtrooper #3: Dynamic entry! (Looks thoughtful.) Although, it's really just an excuse for power-mad sadists to shoot people and destroy things.
Achmed: You guys look just like those stormtroopers in those Star Wars movies! How do you see out of those helmets?
Stormtrooper #4: We can't. That's why we shoot so many innocent people. But they're nifty suits aren't they? They're all the rage among stormtroopers. Hard to go to the bathroom, though.
Achmed: Anything else you want, besides throwing me and my family on the floor and kicking us in the ribs? See? Each of us has our own special spot, we've been thrown down so many times.
Stormtrooper #5: (sticks his Frum 2000 disintegrator pistol into Achmed's face) To free you and bring democracy and liberty to you! Now are you gonna be free, or do I have to anncoulter you?
Achmed: Okay, okay, we'll be free! Will you leave now?
Snickledoodles: Arf! Arf!
Stormtrooper #6: CRASH! BAM! POW! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Little Achmed: Dad, look what he did to Snickerdoodles! Yech!
Achmed: Were you guys police officers back in the U.S.?
Stormtrooper #7: How did you know that?
Achmed: Because you just shot a Pomeranian 45 times!
Stormtrooper #8: Sorry about that. Well, not really. Actually, not at all.
Stormtrooper #9: Forget it. The dog was going to attack us, anyway. Anyone got any cuffs for it? Somebody find the paws somewhere. Oh, there's one, stuck on the ceiling.
Stormtrooper #10: (twitching) You know those drugs the military pumps in us makes all of us a bit jumpy! I think I've had enough Psychotic Serial Killer Serum for this week!
Little Achmed: You just wait until I grow up!
Stormtrooper #11: Quiet, woglet, or I'll rub you out. All I have to do is call in an airstrike from 20,000 feet.
Achmed: Do you guys have any brains at all?
Stormtrooper #12: If the military wanted us to have brains, they would have issued them! Personally, I enjoy being a brainless fascist robot. Saves having to deal with questions of right and wrong.
Achmed: Ow! Quit that! Would you mind getting your jackboot off of my neck? It really hurts!
Stormtrooper #13: You ungrateful wog! We're been trying to bring you freedom and democracy for 60 years, and still you resist us! We only wish to improve the quality of your lives!
Achmed: That's the same thing the Borg Queen said!
Stormtrooper #14: Who?
Achmed: Ever heard the saying, "All tyrants call themselves benefactors"?
Stormtrooper #15: Who said that? We'll give him a little taste of a man-pyramid!
Achmed: Jesus said it.
Stormtrooper #16: My Emperor says otherwise! God talks to him!
Achmed: Do you really think you can change people for the better by brutalizing and murdering them?
Stormtrooper #17: It'll work someday! There ain't no end to doing right!
Achmed: The road to Hell is paved not only with good intentions, but rationalizations.
Stormtrooper #18: Huh?
Achmed: Forget it. Just a meaningless little observation.
Stormtrooper #19: So, where're all the flowers?
Achmed: What flowers?
Stormtrooper #20: The ones that were supposed to be carpeting the street when we entered as liberators.
Achmed: Wow! I wish I lived in such a great fantasy world! This would be a comedy if it wasn't a tragedy! You invade our country, kill thousands of innocent people, conquer us, and now say you're liberating us?
Stormtrooper #21: Yep! You got it, buster! We're from the government and we're here to help you!
Achmed: My God! America used to be respected all over the world. Now it's an empire, running roughshod over everyone, using the false excuse that everyone hates you and wants to attack and destroy you. And you really don't have a clue as to the real reason why people hate you, do you? You think the way you're treating us now might have anything to do with it?
Stormtrooper #22: So where're all the hot babes?
Achmed: You mean all the grateful babes who were supposed to be throwing flowers in your path while ripping their clothes off?
Stormtrooper #23: Yeah, those babes!
Achmed: Look! I think I see one way down there on the street! She's trying to hide by running on all fours and disguising herself with a tail!
Stormtrooper #24 Hey, I'll bet she looks a lot better than those nude Betty Friedan pin-ups the military gave us! Let's go, boys!
Stormtrooper #25: (firing their Dubya grenade launchers into the air like a gang of drunken bandits): God, I love the War on Terror!
Stormtrooper #26: Me too! Yay! Ow! Dang, I just fell into a ditch! I'm as blind as a bat with this cheapo Fascists-R-Us helmet over my head! Ouch! You guys get off of me!
Stormtrooper #27: Hee hee! This is pretty funny! The blind following the blind, and all of us have fallen into a ditch!
Achmed: Some things never change.
Achmed: Hey, what the heck is going on here?! Look at all those holes you put in the walls!
Stormtrooper #1: They match the other ones put here before! Now get on the floor! We're here to liberate you!
Achmed: You almost shot all my kids! Look at the part you put in that one's hair!
Stormtrooper #2: Collateral damage! Doesn't mean a thing!
Achmed: Can't you guys knock?
Stormtrooper #3: Dynamic entry! (Looks thoughtful.) Although, it's really just an excuse for power-mad sadists to shoot people and destroy things.
Achmed: You guys look just like those stormtroopers in those Star Wars movies! How do you see out of those helmets?
Stormtrooper #4: We can't. That's why we shoot so many innocent people. But they're nifty suits aren't they? They're all the rage among stormtroopers. Hard to go to the bathroom, though.
Achmed: Anything else you want, besides throwing me and my family on the floor and kicking us in the ribs? See? Each of us has our own special spot, we've been thrown down so many times.
Stormtrooper #5: (sticks his Frum 2000 disintegrator pistol into Achmed's face) To free you and bring democracy and liberty to you! Now are you gonna be free, or do I have to anncoulter you?
Achmed: Okay, okay, we'll be free! Will you leave now?
Snickledoodles: Arf! Arf!
Stormtrooper #6: CRASH! BAM! POW! BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
Little Achmed: Dad, look what he did to Snickerdoodles! Yech!
Achmed: Were you guys police officers back in the U.S.?
Stormtrooper #7: How did you know that?
Achmed: Because you just shot a Pomeranian 45 times!
Stormtrooper #8: Sorry about that. Well, not really. Actually, not at all.
Stormtrooper #9: Forget it. The dog was going to attack us, anyway. Anyone got any cuffs for it? Somebody find the paws somewhere. Oh, there's one, stuck on the ceiling.
Stormtrooper #10: (twitching) You know those drugs the military pumps in us makes all of us a bit jumpy! I think I've had enough Psychotic Serial Killer Serum for this week!
Little Achmed: You just wait until I grow up!
Stormtrooper #11: Quiet, woglet, or I'll rub you out. All I have to do is call in an airstrike from 20,000 feet.
Achmed: Do you guys have any brains at all?
Stormtrooper #12: If the military wanted us to have brains, they would have issued them! Personally, I enjoy being a brainless fascist robot. Saves having to deal with questions of right and wrong.
Achmed: Ow! Quit that! Would you mind getting your jackboot off of my neck? It really hurts!
Stormtrooper #13: You ungrateful wog! We're been trying to bring you freedom and democracy for 60 years, and still you resist us! We only wish to improve the quality of your lives!
Achmed: That's the same thing the Borg Queen said!
Stormtrooper #14: Who?
Achmed: Ever heard the saying, "All tyrants call themselves benefactors"?
Stormtrooper #15: Who said that? We'll give him a little taste of a man-pyramid!
Achmed: Jesus said it.
Stormtrooper #16: My Emperor says otherwise! God talks to him!
Achmed: Do you really think you can change people for the better by brutalizing and murdering them?
Stormtrooper #17: It'll work someday! There ain't no end to doing right!
Achmed: The road to Hell is paved not only with good intentions, but rationalizations.
Stormtrooper #18: Huh?
Achmed: Forget it. Just a meaningless little observation.
Stormtrooper #19: So, where're all the flowers?
Achmed: What flowers?
Stormtrooper #20: The ones that were supposed to be carpeting the street when we entered as liberators.
Achmed: Wow! I wish I lived in such a great fantasy world! This would be a comedy if it wasn't a tragedy! You invade our country, kill thousands of innocent people, conquer us, and now say you're liberating us?
Stormtrooper #21: Yep! You got it, buster! We're from the government and we're here to help you!
Achmed: My God! America used to be respected all over the world. Now it's an empire, running roughshod over everyone, using the false excuse that everyone hates you and wants to attack and destroy you. And you really don't have a clue as to the real reason why people hate you, do you? You think the way you're treating us now might have anything to do with it?
Stormtrooper #22: So where're all the hot babes?
Achmed: You mean all the grateful babes who were supposed to be throwing flowers in your path while ripping their clothes off?
Stormtrooper #23: Yeah, those babes!
Achmed: Look! I think I see one way down there on the street! She's trying to hide by running on all fours and disguising herself with a tail!
Stormtrooper #24 Hey, I'll bet she looks a lot better than those nude Betty Friedan pin-ups the military gave us! Let's go, boys!
Stormtrooper #25: (firing their Dubya grenade launchers into the air like a gang of drunken bandits): God, I love the War on Terror!
Stormtrooper #26: Me too! Yay! Ow! Dang, I just fell into a ditch! I'm as blind as a bat with this cheapo Fascists-R-Us helmet over my head! Ouch! You guys get off of me!
Stormtrooper #27: Hee hee! This is pretty funny! The blind following the blind, and all of us have fallen into a ditch!
Achmed: Some things never change.
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Gladiators, Sort of
The Year: 2003.
The Location: the Coliseum, Rome, Italy.
The Characters: George Bush, Saddam Hussein, a watching crowd of Americans and Iraqis, and a dozen TV cameras broadcasting the event to the whole world.
Bush and Hussein, each armed with a sword, are standing in the middle of the Coliseum. Each is dressed exactly like Russell Crowe in the movie, Gladiator.
Bush (waving sword menacingly at Saddam): "Give up your weapons of mass, uh, 'scuse me, I mean Weapons of Mass Destruction, Saddam!"
Saddam (waving his sword back): "Never, you squished-headed, cock-eyed, inbred, stumble-tongued fake Texan!"
Bush: "What?! Fake Texan! ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd roars and cheers.)
Saddam: "Your daddy is stupid and so are you!"
Bush: "Your mother looks like Walter Matthau!"
Saddam: "Yes, I know! I do, too!"
Bush: "That includes her mustache!"
Saddam: "Yes, I know!"
Bush: "When we conquer Iraq we're going to deport all the goats and sheep! No more sex for you, Saddam!"
Saddam: "What?! Why, you, you – ARRRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (More cheering and roaring from the crowd.)
Bush: "When we conquer Iraq and depoos – dipos – get rid of you we're going to impose democracy on a grateful people!"
Saddam: "Are you just stupid, or maybe just a bad liar? The Kurds are never going to get their freedom, and you know it! You're going to put in a puppet dictator just like the one you're getting rid of! Moron! You're nothing but Howdy Doody to the neocons' Edgar Bergen!"
Bush: "That's Alfred E. Newman to the neocons' William Gaines, you retardo! Charlie McCarthy was Edgar Bergen's dummy, not Howdy Doody!"
Saddam: "What are you going to do next, quote Austin Powers at me? Make sure you don't choke on a pretzel!"
Bush (turning red): "Why, I'll, I'll – ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (More cheering and roaring from the crowd. Bets are placed and much beer is consumed.)
Bush: "We are doing God's work in bringing freedom to the oppressed!"
Saddam: "BWAHAHA! Idiot! Neither of us is doing God's work! You think God approves of murder and theft? You're doing the work of a bunch of dumb-bunny Christian Zionists who think they can kickstart Armageddon and get Jesus to return! Your daddy was so stupid he thought starting a war would guarantee him reelection! Didn't work, did it? It could happen to you, too!"
Bush (sputtering): "Why, why, you, you – "
Saddam: "Don't develop more indignation that you can contain, buster! You'll say 'strategery' or 'warren terrism' or maybe something even more silly! And remember this – all empires fall! And that's exactly what America has become!"
Bush: "ARRGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd roars deliriously.)
Bush: "You tried to kill my dad!"
Saddam: "Kuwaiti propaganda! And you fell for it! Your dad means nothing to me!"
Bush: "You're in cahoots with Al-Qaida!"
Saddam: "Oh, sure I am! An atheist who believes only in himself, dictator of a secular government, and you think I'm going to support a bunch of religious fanatics who despise me and want to overthrow me so they can set up an oppressive theocracy!"
Bush: (sputtering again): "You tried to kill my dad!"
Saddam: "'You tried to kill my dad! You tried to kill my dad!' Your dad couldn't find his butt with both hands! He screwed up so badly he let that psycho white trash rapist Clinton in office!"
Bush (eyes bulging, temple veins throbbing): "ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd hoots and stamps its collective feet.)
Bush: (gasping): "I'm getting tired! I mean, you're getting tired! Surrender, Saddam, and I'll let you live in exile!"
Saddam: "Are you nuts? I'm as loony as Hitler! Did he surrender? Of course not! He went out telling his generals to destroy everything in Germany! You think I won't waste all the oil wells in Iraq? I hope your troops can move fast!"
Bush: "They'll move so fast your troops will be on their knees kissing American soldiers' hands and begging for their lives! Your country was the cradle of civilization? Look at it now! A Third World joke! What happened, Saddam? Conquered by the wrong religion, maybe? "
Saddam (lips quivering in rage): "ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd howls.)
Bush (out of gas and looking around wildly): "Cheney! Rumsfeld! Bennett! Limbaugh! Boot! Kristol! Hey, where are you guys? I need some help out here! You aren't a bunch of chickenhawk armchair warriors, are you?"
Saddam: "Buk! Buk! Buk! Buk!"
Bush: (sticking sword into ground): "I declare victory!"
Saddam (sticking his sword into the ground): "I declare victory!"
Both leave the Coliseum to the wild cheers of the crowd. Saddam returns to Iraq, where much to his surprise he finds he has been overthrown and replaced with the traditional monarchy. He quickly finds there are not 72 virgins awaiting him in Paradise. Or raisins, either.
Bush returns to America, where he finds to his surprise that the original Republic has been restored and 90% of the federal government closed down. He is allowed to remain President, but finds he doesn't have much to do except tend to the roses outside the White House.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
The Location: the Coliseum, Rome, Italy.
The Characters: George Bush, Saddam Hussein, a watching crowd of Americans and Iraqis, and a dozen TV cameras broadcasting the event to the whole world.
Bush and Hussein, each armed with a sword, are standing in the middle of the Coliseum. Each is dressed exactly like Russell Crowe in the movie, Gladiator.
Bush (waving sword menacingly at Saddam): "Give up your weapons of mass, uh, 'scuse me, I mean Weapons of Mass Destruction, Saddam!"
Saddam (waving his sword back): "Never, you squished-headed, cock-eyed, inbred, stumble-tongued fake Texan!"
Bush: "What?! Fake Texan! ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd roars and cheers.)
Saddam: "Your daddy is stupid and so are you!"
Bush: "Your mother looks like Walter Matthau!"
Saddam: "Yes, I know! I do, too!"
Bush: "That includes her mustache!"
Saddam: "Yes, I know!"
Bush: "When we conquer Iraq we're going to deport all the goats and sheep! No more sex for you, Saddam!"
Saddam: "What?! Why, you, you – ARRRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (More cheering and roaring from the crowd.)
Bush: "When we conquer Iraq and depoos – dipos – get rid of you we're going to impose democracy on a grateful people!"
Saddam: "Are you just stupid, or maybe just a bad liar? The Kurds are never going to get their freedom, and you know it! You're going to put in a puppet dictator just like the one you're getting rid of! Moron! You're nothing but Howdy Doody to the neocons' Edgar Bergen!"
Bush: "That's Alfred E. Newman to the neocons' William Gaines, you retardo! Charlie McCarthy was Edgar Bergen's dummy, not Howdy Doody!"
Saddam: "What are you going to do next, quote Austin Powers at me? Make sure you don't choke on a pretzel!"
Bush (turning red): "Why, I'll, I'll – ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (More cheering and roaring from the crowd. Bets are placed and much beer is consumed.)
Bush: "We are doing God's work in bringing freedom to the oppressed!"
Saddam: "BWAHAHA! Idiot! Neither of us is doing God's work! You think God approves of murder and theft? You're doing the work of a bunch of dumb-bunny Christian Zionists who think they can kickstart Armageddon and get Jesus to return! Your daddy was so stupid he thought starting a war would guarantee him reelection! Didn't work, did it? It could happen to you, too!"
Bush (sputtering): "Why, why, you, you – "
Saddam: "Don't develop more indignation that you can contain, buster! You'll say 'strategery' or 'warren terrism' or maybe something even more silly! And remember this – all empires fall! And that's exactly what America has become!"
Bush: "ARRGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd roars deliriously.)
Bush: "You tried to kill my dad!"
Saddam: "Kuwaiti propaganda! And you fell for it! Your dad means nothing to me!"
Bush: "You're in cahoots with Al-Qaida!"
Saddam: "Oh, sure I am! An atheist who believes only in himself, dictator of a secular government, and you think I'm going to support a bunch of religious fanatics who despise me and want to overthrow me so they can set up an oppressive theocracy!"
Bush: (sputtering again): "You tried to kill my dad!"
Saddam: "'You tried to kill my dad! You tried to kill my dad!' Your dad couldn't find his butt with both hands! He screwed up so badly he let that psycho white trash rapist Clinton in office!"
Bush (eyes bulging, temple veins throbbing): "ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd hoots and stamps its collective feet.)
Bush: (gasping): "I'm getting tired! I mean, you're getting tired! Surrender, Saddam, and I'll let you live in exile!"
Saddam: "Are you nuts? I'm as loony as Hitler! Did he surrender? Of course not! He went out telling his generals to destroy everything in Germany! You think I won't waste all the oil wells in Iraq? I hope your troops can move fast!"
Bush: "They'll move so fast your troops will be on their knees kissing American soldiers' hands and begging for their lives! Your country was the cradle of civilization? Look at it now! A Third World joke! What happened, Saddam? Conquered by the wrong religion, maybe? "
Saddam (lips quivering in rage): "ARRGGH!"
Clang! Clang! Clang! Clang! (The crowd howls.)
Bush (out of gas and looking around wildly): "Cheney! Rumsfeld! Bennett! Limbaugh! Boot! Kristol! Hey, where are you guys? I need some help out here! You aren't a bunch of chickenhawk armchair warriors, are you?"
Saddam: "Buk! Buk! Buk! Buk!"
Bush: (sticking sword into ground): "I declare victory!"
Saddam (sticking his sword into the ground): "I declare victory!"
Both leave the Coliseum to the wild cheers of the crowd. Saddam returns to Iraq, where much to his surprise he finds he has been overthrown and replaced with the traditional monarchy. He quickly finds there are not 72 virgins awaiting him in Paradise. Or raisins, either.
Bush returns to America, where he finds to his surprise that the original Republic has been restored and 90% of the federal government closed down. He is allowed to remain President, but finds he doesn't have much to do except tend to the roses outside the White House.
And everyone lived happily ever after.
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Airport Screener Arrested for Being Former Nazi Guard
WASHINGTON, DC – An airport screener was arrested today for being a former Nazi leader during World War II.
Adolph Schickelgruber, age unknown, was arrested at his Washington, DC, apartment without incident by detectives from the Secure Transportation and Safety Initiative (STASI).
"He didn’t give us any problems," said Captain Ernst Rohm, head of the Washington, DC, unit of STASI and also president of NAMBLA. "He was just muttering how he had finally found a job that fit him perfectly, and how we were messing it up." Sources said that Schickelgruber, originally from Austria, was a Nazi leader in Germany during World War II. Apparently he disappeared after the war’s end, and somehow made his way to America, where he has since worked for the federal government in various capacities.
He was hired as an airport screener about a year ago. "He was our best worker," said the head of security at the airport. "He was a real go-getter, always searching everyone head to toe. He really enjoyed his work. He was the perfect employee for working at the airports, always following orders without asking any questions. In fact, I think he was the perfect employee for the federal government."
Schickelgruber fell under suspicion for what Rohm termed "odd behavior." He said that Schickelgruber, after a particularly thorough search, would "put his left index finger under his nose, raise his right arm out at a 45-degree angle, and click his heels together while marching around in circles and shouting ‘Seig Heil!’ After he did this several thousand times we began to suspect there was something funny about him."
When asked if Schickelgruber had any complaints filed against him by passengers, Rohm replied, "Oh sure. He had thousands -- biting his nails all the time, sucking his fingers, farting in public, asking women to crap on him. But so what? These are the airports, and we have to give up a few liberties to make sure we are safe, right? I mean, we have to make sure pregnant women are really pregnant and aren’t carrying bombs, and that 80-year-old women in wheelchairs don’t have guns packed in any of their orifices. Of course we have to let Arabs and Muslims walk through without being searched, since that would be ethnic profiling."
Two of the most significant complaints involved Schickelgruber trying to strangle a man with piano wire, and shooting a woman in the foot with a 9mm Luger. "However, we decided he acted appropriately under the circumstances," said Rohm. "The passengers were complaining about their treatment, which they have no right to do. Actually, they have no rights at all."
After being alerted by Schickelgruber’s odd behavior, STASI did a thorough background check of him and found that he had been an illegal alien for the past 56 years. "Since he wasn’t Mexican, we had to arrest him," said Rohm.
A search of Schickelgruber’s apartment turned up stolen art supplies, several thousand dollars worth of amphetamines, several hundred pounds of chocolates, an autographed picture of Chuck Berry, and over a thousand handwritten pages of his diary, which was titled, "My Struggle." "Pretty good book, actually," said Rohm. "We found a lot of good advice in it for running the airports, and are looking at how to apply it to the rest of the New America. I can see now why Schickelgruber was such a good employee."
According to sources which asked to remain anonymous, Schickelgruber was released on his own recognizance. "I doubt we’re going to charge him with anything," said one official. "The rules that apply to average citizens don’t apply to the federal government, you now. And, hey, what he did was a long time ago. We should let bygones be bygones.
"Besides, we need him to train our new airport workers."
Adolph Schickelgruber, age unknown, was arrested at his Washington, DC, apartment without incident by detectives from the Secure Transportation and Safety Initiative (STASI).
"He didn’t give us any problems," said Captain Ernst Rohm, head of the Washington, DC, unit of STASI and also president of NAMBLA. "He was just muttering how he had finally found a job that fit him perfectly, and how we were messing it up." Sources said that Schickelgruber, originally from Austria, was a Nazi leader in Germany during World War II. Apparently he disappeared after the war’s end, and somehow made his way to America, where he has since worked for the federal government in various capacities.
He was hired as an airport screener about a year ago. "He was our best worker," said the head of security at the airport. "He was a real go-getter, always searching everyone head to toe. He really enjoyed his work. He was the perfect employee for working at the airports, always following orders without asking any questions. In fact, I think he was the perfect employee for the federal government."
Schickelgruber fell under suspicion for what Rohm termed "odd behavior." He said that Schickelgruber, after a particularly thorough search, would "put his left index finger under his nose, raise his right arm out at a 45-degree angle, and click his heels together while marching around in circles and shouting ‘Seig Heil!’ After he did this several thousand times we began to suspect there was something funny about him."
When asked if Schickelgruber had any complaints filed against him by passengers, Rohm replied, "Oh sure. He had thousands -- biting his nails all the time, sucking his fingers, farting in public, asking women to crap on him. But so what? These are the airports, and we have to give up a few liberties to make sure we are safe, right? I mean, we have to make sure pregnant women are really pregnant and aren’t carrying bombs, and that 80-year-old women in wheelchairs don’t have guns packed in any of their orifices. Of course we have to let Arabs and Muslims walk through without being searched, since that would be ethnic profiling."
Two of the most significant complaints involved Schickelgruber trying to strangle a man with piano wire, and shooting a woman in the foot with a 9mm Luger. "However, we decided he acted appropriately under the circumstances," said Rohm. "The passengers were complaining about their treatment, which they have no right to do. Actually, they have no rights at all."
After being alerted by Schickelgruber’s odd behavior, STASI did a thorough background check of him and found that he had been an illegal alien for the past 56 years. "Since he wasn’t Mexican, we had to arrest him," said Rohm.
A search of Schickelgruber’s apartment turned up stolen art supplies, several thousand dollars worth of amphetamines, several hundred pounds of chocolates, an autographed picture of Chuck Berry, and over a thousand handwritten pages of his diary, which was titled, "My Struggle." "Pretty good book, actually," said Rohm. "We found a lot of good advice in it for running the airports, and are looking at how to apply it to the rest of the New America. I can see now why Schickelgruber was such a good employee."
According to sources which asked to remain anonymous, Schickelgruber was released on his own recognizance. "I doubt we’re going to charge him with anything," said one official. "The rules that apply to average citizens don’t apply to the federal government, you now. And, hey, what he did was a long time ago. We should let bygones be bygones.
"Besides, we need him to train our new airport workers."
Books That Will Never be Written
Bringing Jesus Back by Murdering Palestinians, by Hal Lindsey and Jerry Falwell.
Smoke, Booze, Gamble, Stuff Your Fat Face and Stick Your Nose in Other's Business, by William Bennett.
Dickless, Balless, Spineless, by William Kristol.
An Ugly Little Creep Rejected by Jackie Onassis, by Norman Podhoretz.
The Autobiography of a Little Pissant, by Douglas Feith.
How a Pimple on My Butt Saved My Ass, by Rush Limbaugh.
Souffles for Future Ex-Cons, by Richard Perle.
How Plastic Surgery Can Make You Look Like Uriah Heep, by David Frum.
Incurious George and the Drones of Death, by George Bush.
Your Monkey Wife, but Not Mine, by Pete Singer.
How Many Americans Were Killed in What War?, by Paul Wolfowitz.
Living Without Testicles or Brains, by Max Boot.
Never Eat Your Boogers Around a Photographer, by Henry Kissinger.
Stay Away from Leashes When You're Inbred Trailer Trash, by Lynndie England.
My Mommy Got Me My Job, by Jonah Goldberg.
Smoke, Booze, Gamble, Stuff Your Fat Face and Stick Your Nose in Other's Business, by William Bennett.
Dickless, Balless, Spineless, by William Kristol.
An Ugly Little Creep Rejected by Jackie Onassis, by Norman Podhoretz.
The Autobiography of a Little Pissant, by Douglas Feith.
How a Pimple on My Butt Saved My Ass, by Rush Limbaugh.
Souffles for Future Ex-Cons, by Richard Perle.
How Plastic Surgery Can Make You Look Like Uriah Heep, by David Frum.
Incurious George and the Drones of Death, by George Bush.
Your Monkey Wife, but Not Mine, by Pete Singer.
How Many Americans Were Killed in What War?, by Paul Wolfowitz.
Living Without Testicles or Brains, by Max Boot.
Never Eat Your Boogers Around a Photographer, by Henry Kissinger.
Stay Away from Leashes When You're Inbred Trailer Trash, by Lynndie England.
My Mommy Got Me My Job, by Jonah Goldberg.
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